Saturday, November 21, 2009

Once your child starts school... Be an Advocate


My daughter started "big school" this year and we were both so excited. She loved her experience at preschool and was ready for bigger and better things ahead in "big school." I've always loved learning and school, since she's such a curious, enthusiastic girl, I was convinced she'd love it too and have a wonderful experience.

The first few months have been a very bumpy ride. Instead of 'bigger and better' the tone in the class is quiet and controlled and my daughter is confused by all the rules, and frankly so am I. One day she came home in tears because she got a time out for singing while choosing a book. I went in to talk to the teacher the next day, it was my third meeting with her. I got some of the back story and shared some of my views as well, emphasizing that it's important to me that my daughter enjoy school and there be a balance in the classroom, so she can express herself as well.

My husband and I ended up speaking with the principal, who basically said to go back and talk to the teacher. Next stop, the school counsellor, I hear she's more helpful mediating with the teachers in this school. I'm learning to be patient - after all, Rome wasn't built in a day!

The world of parenting brings all kinds of surprises, having problems with teachers and principals wasn't one I ever expected to have! Be open minded, balance the needs of the teacher and class with the needs of your child. Be patient, but most of all, be involved. Your kids will thank you for it!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Appreciate your family, Live right NOW


Who are you being? Do your kids feel like you understand them? Do they feel you get who they are? As an adoptive mom, I am much more aware of who my daughter(s) are and who they are not. I don't hold any illusions that they are like me. They are, who they are. This can still prove to be challenging when personalities are so different, sometimes it's difficult to understand where the other person is coming from.

I still practice being completely immersed in the moment. I notice a real difference in my kids when I am being present. They are more calm, and seem to be more at peace. They don't fight, and seem to be more happy. Living life in the present moment, knowing it's the only time you truly have is the world our children live in. They don't know any different. As parents, when we join them, we acknowledge who they are and where they're at in that moment. The result is amazing. Such an experience creates a true connection, a wonderful way to be. Since a relationship is the history of interactions with a person, the more of these true connections, the better.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Landmark Education for KIDS


I just completed my first Landmark Education course on the weekend. The experience has changed my outlook of my life in a wonderfully empowering way. Landmark Education is an organization that specializes in personal development. You make decisions about what you want to change in your life and the Landmark facilitators help you come to your own conclusions about the best way to make those changes in your life. They teach you tools that you can then use in your life, to get the results you want.

Everyone who participates will take away something different. What I learned, is my relationship with myself affects the way I interrelate with others. If I change the way I 'interact' with myself, I can change my relationships with other people and in doing so, change 'my world.' I felt, in the past, I was trapped by situations, circumstances, other people's attitudes, and by my own temperament. I've learned now that I created my personality to begin with, based on situations that happened to me throughout my life. I can do that again, but in a more positive way, which will result in me being more serene, self-assured and happy.

I also learned that reading a book is not the same as an experience such as this. There are not typically lasting effects from reading a book, even if the book is inspiring. There is no replacement for the experience!

Upon reflecting on the postive experience I had with Landmark Education, I decided that I would like both of my daughters to participate in the Landmark Forum (1st course) for kids (8-12 years) when they are old enough. I think this type of education is particularily valuable for children who were adopted. They will learn that they are not a victim of circumstances and that they can choose to create the person they want to be regardless of whether they were adopted or not. Feeling empowered is an amazing feeling and I want both of my daughters to feel empowered in their lives.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Deciding Whether or not to Meet Your Birth Mother / Biological Mother is a BIG Decision


Relationships are complicated and adoption adds another layer of complication. Deciding whether or not to meet your biological mother is a HUGE decision. It's a decision that should not be taken lightly and should be thoroughly thought through.

So many assumptions can creep into adoptive relationships. You can assume that a meeting with a biological mother will be enlightening, illuminating and very positive. You can assume it will be emotionally overwhelming or a generally negative experience. Assumptions must be put aside. There are too many unknown factors. These are the "red herrings" of adoption.

All I know is, if I were adopted, I would feel that since it was decided that I have a different family, a non-biological family, without my input, I would want to (attempt to) control the remainder of the process. Whether I want to contact my biological relatives or not, should be my decision, with no judgements from anyone, especially members of my family. It's my history, I should be able to decide.

I also know that if I decided to meet my biological relatives, I can assume nothing. I would imagine, that I would want to be as neutral as possible. I'd be curious to see someone who looked like me and see how much we had in common because of our shared DNA. But in the back of my mind, I would never assume that we would have an amazing connection the first time we meet. I would never assume that I would even -like- my biological mother. She could just as easily be a successful business executive or a janitor. She is a completely different person from my (adoptive) mother, so I can't assume that she'd be like my adoptive mom but look like me as well.

Once I met my biological family members, I couldn't erase the experience. What are the chances they are eager to meet me? Is there any reason why they wouldn't want to meet the child they made an adoption plan for, so many years ago? Remember, that meeting the child they made an adoption plan for, may remind them of a failed relationship and of a time in their life when they were struggling. Have they overcome? Haven't they overcome? None of this would be a reflection on me and who I am, but rather is more about the biological mother and her situation, then and now.

I know I'd have alot of questions. I'd want alot of answers. Be wary of expectations that travel with assumptions. Take one step at a time, don't be afraid to let everyone know that you are entitled to start and stop contact as you see fit. It's not about the parents anymore, biological or adoptive. It's about those who are adopted, reclaiming the other part of their story, if they choose to.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Parent - Child Relationships: Creating Deep Connections that Last


One of my goals as an adoptive mom is to take steps early on to ensure I have good relationships with my daughters. I feel like there's a vulnerability in not having biology in common. I also feel that my relationship with my daughters should be solid, so that if and when emotional ups and downs come and as they start to understand the adoption process more, that they will come to me with their questions.

I know I'll always be their mom, but I don't want to take that priviledge for granted.

So that begs the question, what makes for a quality relationship with your children? What are the key elements to create not just a bond, but a lasting, close bond that endures even once your children become adults? It's clear that relationships between parents and children change dramatically once the children become adults. What are the key elements in making sure the connection with your child continues to evolve as your child grows and develops?

I'm still searching for those answers. As a best guess, I'd include respect at all stages, and also fun and play. Humour is such a powerful tool to connect, but for some of us who grew up in ultra serious homes- that's often "easier said than done." I think if your child feels that you trust them and allow them to be as free as possible they will thoroughly appreciate that space for them to "grow in." Also, by giving them authentic attention, without being distracted, they'll know they can rely on you being there for them when they need you.

Not judging our kids and allowing them to be who they truly are, is a BIG one. This is a tough one, for many of the moms I've talked to regardless of whether they're children are biological or adopted. As parents we have hopes and dreams and expectations of who our children could be. As a mom of a 4 and a half year old and a 2 year old, I realize more and more that it's not about me. There are decisions I must let my girls make without me, so they get practice. Yes, they may fail, but they will learn more from those times than from success and it is only their personal experience that they will truly learn from.

Some of their decisions may embarass me, like choosing wierd outfits to wear to school and the like, but I feel it's more important that my girls get comfortable with making their own decisions, free of judgement, so they can be leaders in the future. If they aren't allowed the freedom to take risks as children, they will definitely not take risks as adults.

Positive communication patterns are so important as well. How does your child feel when they're having a conversation with you? Are they defensive most of the time? Do they expect a negative reaction? Are they relaxed? Does your child feel heard by you? These patterns of communication start when children are young and are a cornerstone in the foundation of your relationship with them. What can you do now to help with the communications patterns once your child becomes a teenager and their friends are much more dominant in their life?

Freedom, lack of judgment, fun, respect and positive communication patterns, I feel are key to building quality relationships with our kids. If you think I've missed something or have found something that works well with strengthening the bond with your child- please let me know!!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

The Perfect Parent


Perfectionism. A badge of honour? A helpful motivator? Or an excuse to delay and avoid really living? I have always quite enjoyed being a perfectionist, I found it to be quite satisfying, likely because my maternal role model is a perfectionist as well.

I've found lately this idea of trying to be the perfect parent is just overwhelming. There is too much to take on, and not enough time to just be. I recently attended a workshop that linked perfectionism with anxiety. I was stunned at the correlation and didn't realize how many problems this affinity for perfectionism was causing me.

Being an adoptive parent, I want to be an excellent parent, if not perfect, to my girls to help prove my devotion and love to them and to help them know that they matter. They may have been adopted, but they matter to me. Is this too much to ask, when anxiety becomes difficult to control? I think so.

Life's funny. They say you get out of it, what you put into it, and sometimes, I feel I'm trying to put too much into it. Why is it so difficult to accept shortcomings? Whatever the answer, it doesn't really matter. What's more important is to model being comfortable with being imperfect, learning to laugh and make light of shortcomings. Those lessons will help children more as they grow, than trying to be perfect.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Another one of those Daily's


I've been getting to know some of the other parents in my neighborhood. There's one mom in particular who has a daughter the same age as my eldest. Our girls get along well, whenever they're together, which isn't very often.

This particular mom is pregnant and due in 3 more months. She's hinted at getting the girls getting together for a play date, but I've been avoiding the topic entirely. As, I'm sure with most women who are pregnant, she talks alot about being pregnant and what the delivery experience was like with her first daughter. I'll be more willing to get together, once her second child's been born. I love to talk about baby's!

Well, as anyone reading this blog would guess, since I'm an adoptive mom, I've never been pregnant. I have nothing to contribute to the conversation and furthermore, don't feel comfortable telling this woman in particular that we're an adoptive family. She talks alot and I don't trust that she'll keep it to herself if I told her.

I like the idea of maintaining control of who I tell about our family- though it may be unrealistic to think I can maintain control over the news. The reason I do this is because I feel that if I only tell people who I think will be respectful of the topic, then my girls are less likely to be hurt by an ignorant or rude comment.

My caution about who to tell what, brings to mind some questions about disclosure. Should I be more open? Am I being too careful? Will my girls understand and be cautious too, or will it make them feel like there's something wrong? Transracial families look different from one another, so there's no choosing, no option of privacy. Does that make it harder, but at the same time more honest, because it's more open?

I would love to hear feedback about what other adoptive families do. I plan to tell all of our close friends that we're an adoptive family. But when it comes to people I know in the neighborhood, or parents of children my child plays with, I just don't think everyone needs to know the ins and outs of my family. I don't care to know all the ins and outs of their's. It's my family and I'll say what I want to!!