Motherhood: Priority on Possession or Being?

This topic applies to fatherhood as well, but since I'm a mom, I'll focus on motherhood.

Motherhood means different things to different people. For some it's HAVING children, for others it's BEING a mother. I find this distinction interesting because I care about kids. I care about their experience of life, I care about their health, and their happiness. I care about their security and their safety. I think all children deserve respect and should be able to live in a safe environment. Who has the most control over all of these fundamental factors? Mothers.

In the most general of categories, consider two types of mothers. The mothers who like HAVING children and the mothers who throughly enjoy BEING a mother. The differences are colossal.

Mothers whose priority is having children, treat children like possessions, and are fundamentally selfish. They only look to children to get something back. To get love, to get attention, to get respect, to feel complete, to belong, to 'feel normal.' Children are basically dolls in their eyes, not real people.

On the other hand, mothers who truly love BEING mothers, understand the complexity of guiding a person through to adulthood and rise to the challenge. A mother's approach sets the tone in a home, and can affect how secure a child feels in taking risks when they're out in the world. Children know when someone is being authentic with them and they know by the tone what the underlying message is. A child knows when they are truly loved and accepted for who they are. Part of being a mother is accepting your children for who they are and who they are not.

I think it's healthy to pause from time to time and think about what kind of mother I'm being and is it the kind of mother I want to be. I've realized that it's not any specific thing that I do or say to my girls, it's how I'm being in the background (that influences specific behaviours) that's important. How do my girls feel, when they think of me? How do your children feel when they think of you? Balance in the family is important, so I don't believe that children should be made to feel they walk on water or can do no wrong. It's important children understand that moms (and dads) have feelings and needs too. But these children are our next generation. They are our future citizens, why not try to enhance their experience, so that when they are parents they'll do the same for their children.

Whether you are a mother, or hoping to be one. Consider your priorities. Do you want to give love, or are you looking for love? The road of parenthood is incredibly bumpy, enjoy the smooth sections, because the bumps just keep coming. Be honest with yourself. Are you registering your child for a sport because you want to make friends, or are you doing it because your child is genuinely interested?

In the world of motherhood, it's not realistic to permanently place a person in one category or the other. We all have moments when we switch 'teams.' The important question is, who am I/are you being most of the time. Do you treat your child like a possession or like a person who's learning as she goes?

Live without regret. Be the mother you want to be, now.

Creating an Adoption Community for your kids... and YOU!

I've been thinking more and more about community. Whether you've experienced yoga or not you may have heard of the term 'namaste.' Namaste means 'we are all one' or we are all connected. If you stop and think about all of the communities you are a part of, you may be surprised how far reaching your communities are. Your family, work community, neighborhood community, friends, school, frequent shopping haunts, running group, biking group, sports teams, book club, and on and on it goes. We are all interconnected and ripples show their effects in one way or another.

I think it's very important to create an adoption community for kids who were adopted. It's nice to know there are other people who were adopted too, be it a neighbor, or a friend's cousin, etc. It's natural to seek out others who have similar experiences, it creates an opportunity to connect. Knowing others who have similar experiences also creates a sense of normalcy.

Our kids rely on us to create their environments, including the communities they are a part of. The friends we have, as parents, affect our childrens' friends. The communities we bring our children into, affects their experience and their perception of who they are and how they relate to the world around them. What role models do you hope your children will choose? Will any of those role models also live in their neighborhood? Will you be proactive in seeking out others to help your child improve their grades at school or improve their form for an upcoming dance competition? Will you seek others who share the experience of adoption to possibly help your child figure out what being adopted means to them? I think it would it be very valuable for my kids to be able to ask the advice of an adult who was adopted, to have such a trustworthy adult within my child's community would mean a great deal to me.

Communities don't just appear one day at your door step, they are created. There are people all around us, everyday, some we choose to interact with, some we don't. Communities are started by someone initiating contact, extending a smile, taking an interest in others, being open and inviting others in.

I don't consider myself to be particularily skilled at creating communities, but I aim to become better at it, because I'd like very much to create an adoption community for my kids. I'd like my girls to be able to go out into their neighborhood and know other people were adopted, just like them- be it their friend's dad, the previous owner of their house, a neighbor down the street or another kid at their school. I know if I was adopted, that would be important to me.

Be a leader in your community and create an adoption community for your kids too.

Nosey Questions from other Adoptive Parents

We attended an event recently that was organized by the adoption agency we used for our eldest daughter's adoption. We are very appreciative that this agency takes the time and puts the energy into bringing adoptive families together.

Something happened that took us by surprise, considering we were with other adoptive families, some transracial, and some not. One of the adoptive parents in the group asked if one of our kids was biological. I was very surprised to hear this, especially considering we were at an adoptive family event. Both of our kids are caucasian, as are my husband and myself. Yes, our daughters look different, they were both adopted. Why is it that someone would feel the need to ask if one was biological?

Yes, I realize I am venting, but I am still stunned since the comment was made my another adoptive parent, who should have known that wasn't even possible, especially considering the current cultural norms.

The chance of a family who already has a biological child then being chosen for a local adoption is about a million to one. How many birth mothers do you know would choose a family when they knew there was already a biological child in the family?

Light bulb just went off. I just realized they may have thought that I had become pregnant after the first adoption. Well that wasn't the case, I've never been pregnant.

It's a pet peeve of mine, and I'm sure of many other adoptive parents when complete strangers ask nosey questions about my family. If other adoptive parents have experienced this, why aren't they more sensitive, or at least more tactful?

No one's perfect, but when it comes to being nosey about other people's families- think before you speak!!

Openness in Adoptions Today

Openness in adoptions is a hot topic in the adoption world today. For those of you new to this topic, 'openness' refers to the level of contact an adoptive family has with the birth families. What I find interesting is the current trend in local adoptions is to be as open as possible. At least, it feels as though this is the case in the area we live. If your children were adopted locally, the assumption is that you have an open relationship with your child's birth family and visit with them regularly, or at least periodically. Phone numbers and addresses are exchanged so that biological relatives can contact the adoptive family whenever they like and vice versa.

This is the exact opposite of what happened 20-30 years ago. All adoptions were 'closed' adoptions, in which the adoptive families did not know the names, phones numbers or addresses of the birth parents. I can understand wanting to have some information and I can understand why some people like to build relationships with the biological parents of their child, who was adopted.

What bothers me is the 'assumption' that you will have an open relationship with the biological mother/father. Last I checked Canada, and the US were free countries, in which we value free choice. I don't like band wagons, I think they are dangerous.

The assumption that you will have an open relationship with the birth mother assumes that the birth mother will be a positive influence in your child's life.

That's an extra large assumption. Let's remember, there are many different reasons for a woman to make an adoption plan for a child. Sometimes it's situational, sometimes, it's because the woman knows she won't be a very good mother. She's a hero to then find the child a good home, and to acknowledge her shortcomings. But, she may not be respectful, or helpful or even considerate, everyone is different. You can't assume.

Let's take a minute to consider adoptive parents. People who can't biologically pro-create. People who are contributing citizens and will raise healthy, happy citizens who will contribute to society. I feel adoptive parents are under appreciated in today's adoptive world. Adoptive parents who think independently and don't follow trends are even less appreciated. "Why aren't you doing what everyone else does?" Is the impression I get when around social workers and other parents in the adoptive circle.

I think life in general, but adoption in particular is about choice, and about putting choice back into the hands of the little one who had no choice. What about the child who was adopted, do they get a choice in any of this? No contact with birth mother, as it was 20 years ago, made it difficult for those who wanted contact. Now the trend has flip flopped, so everyone should be open and create one big happy family. Who's making these decisions, certainly, not the child. Assumptions were made, about what is best. Assumptions.

What about stability? What about simplicity? What about families who are complicated enough without adding additional complications such as biological families? What about building a secure, loving family, with a strong sense of who you are within that family? What about personal choice?

What about letting your child grow in a family knowing he/she was adopted, and once she's old enough (9 or 10 yrs) to understand what adoption means, allowing her to choose if she wants contact with her biological parents? What about protecting your child from possible upset by careless comments from biological relatives, when you, as a parent has been so careful about choices in language, to ensure your child feels respected and special?

Isn't this your child's story? Is it ever safe to assume what anyone else wants? Isn't it always better to ask, especially when the topic is so important?

There's a saying, that says, "Never assume," for good reason.

I'm not saying being open in adoptions is bad. I just think that some prospective adoptive parents may be figuring out that there's a bit of a game when filling out the adoption application. If you say you're interested in an open adoption, you are more likely to be picked by a birth mother. Semi-open is also an option, but not as popular these days, in which you know the first name, not last name of the birth mother. You can communicate by letter through the adoption agency, but no phone numbers or addresses are exchanged. Of course, you need to be honest and have integrity and follow through with your application submission. Semi-open adoptions can give you time to get to know the biological mother and determine her stability and life philosophies, and whether or not she would be a positive influence in your child's life.

There are biological family members, that we are no longer in contact with, because they were mean spirited, and we were very concerned they would be disrespectful towards our daughters, because they were adopted. I feel children deserve that kind of protection. I will protect my children from any person who is a negative influence, whether the person is biologically related or not.

I respect my children's choices, I will not assume, I will ask what they want. This is their story, not mine. I will not let a social worker bully me into making assumptions. I stand against the trends, I protect my child's right choose.