Adoptive Families hosting Charity Birthdays

This is an idea I've been mulling over lately. Wouldn't it be great to host a charity birthday party for my kids? My children don't need charity, but there are lots of other kids who do. I would plan to first, choose a charity. Ideally I would short list a few local children's charities, and then let the birthday girl make the final decision. Then I would contact the charity and find out what it is that they need.

The birthday invitations would mention that no gifts for my child are necessary, but we will be donating to Charity X, so please bring X, X, or X in lieu of a gift.

I always host big birthday parties for my girls. It's alot of work, but I know it must make them feel special and I enjoy doing it. I would invite the same number of friends and family and still make it a fun party for my birthday girl. The only difference being, no gifts will be opened.

In the days after the party, I would want my girls to come with me to take everything that was donated at the party, to the charity of choice. I would encourage my girls to learn about the children that will be helped because of their donation.

This is a wonderful idea and could be done in biological families as well, not just adoptive families, but there's something special about doing this as an adoptive family. It's easy sometimes to focus on our own problems. Often the problems grow bigger when we focus on them too much. A Charity Birthday and subsequent donation may remind a child who is adopted that there are children out in the world with all kinds of different needs. If it's bothering them, that they are adopted, and they are different, getting involved with a charity reminds them that their life isn't so bad. There are people out there with much bigger problems, and that is a healthy perspective to maintain. There's always something to be grateful for.

"My Adoption Story" Scrapbook Details

As promised, here are some more details about the Adoption Story scrapbook I created for my daughter. We were fortunate that my eldest daughter's birthmom was very considerate and gave us pictures of our daughter while she was in the hospital- it's so wonderful to have those early pictures.

I felt it was absolutely essential to create an adoption story scrapbook for my daughter. I wanted to provide her with as many details as possible about those early days, how she came to join our family and memories of her birthmother. I did my best to re-create those early days, and explain things clearly and tenderly as possible and be completely honest of course. I think she'll appreciate it, when she's old enough to take it in.

I kept a little notebook in my purse after we got the phone call from the social worker. I kept a daily log and detailled what happened and how we were feeling. I later used the information from the notebook, for the details in the scrapbook. I wish I would have taken more pictures. It's such an emotional time, taking pictures on top of dealing with all the emotions, while everything is happening so fast, is difficult. I wish I would have asked other family members to take more pictures of us as a family as well, especially in those precious first few days, to make sure we were all in the pictures!

Page by page, this is how I created my daughter's "My Adoption Story" scrapbook.

Page 1 - A picture of my daughter as a newborn with the Fleur Conlking Heylinger poem:
Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously
My own.
Never forget
For a single minute:
You didn't grow under my heart
But in it.

I love this poem!

Page 2 - A description of what my husband and I were doing a few days before we got "the phone call" from the social worker. We were painting the baby room - meant to be- or what??!!! so I included before and after pictures of the room.

Page 3 - Monday, the day of "the phone call", including as many details as possible. The social worker contacted my husband at work first, and then he called me. They scheduled a meeting with the birthmother in two days (Wednesday). Tuesday was a hard day to wait through- I don't think I was very productive at work! I included a picture of my daughter at 2 days old. The picture was taken at an odd angle, so I photocopied the picture in pink tones at Office Depot and put a piece of vellum on top.

Page 4 - Wednesday, the day we met with birthmom. I included as many details as I could remember about that meeting. What the office was like, who was in the room with us, what we talked about. I asked if I could take a picture of birthmom, but she said she'd rather send a picture later. So there is no picture on this page, just my writing about all the details. What did birthmom look like, what was she wearing, how long did we talk for. I did my best to re-create the scene.

Page 5 - There is one single question on this page in the middle of a circle, which in the middle of the page. The question is "What do you remember about ___________(birthmom's name)? I wrote out some other details, that I wasn't able to include on page 4. I started writing at the circle, and created the outline of a flower petal with the text I wrote. Once complete, it all looks like a flower. I mentioned how she moved, which was very quickly and with lots of energy, that she had a great sense of humour, but it seemed like something was weighing heavy on her mind. She had brown eyes and brown hair that was pulled back. I described her clothes, how tall she was, that she had a beautiful smile, etc.

Page 6 - The question on this page is "Why did _________(birthmom's name) decide to make an adoption plan?" I wrote down all the sentences, I remembered her saying, in quotes, as to why she made an adoption plan. Such as "Unfortunately I'm not the best thing for her right now." And "My parents made mistakes with me and my brother and I don't want to make the same mistakes." Also "Realistically my family won't be there to help me." etc.

Page 7 - "Why did _________(birthmother's name) choose us to be (my daughter's name)'s parents?" I wrote down all the reasons we heard from her and from the social workers as to why she decided that we should be our daughter's parents. For example, she liked that I (mom) am artistic. She also said "Sure I gave birth to her, but you'll be her parents." etc.

Page 8 - A picture of our daughter at 1 month old, sitting with all the gifts she received from her birthmother.

Page 9 - The day Thursday, that we had to wait one more day to meet our little girl. We met with birthmother the day before, so I described what we did on this day. We went shopping and got some baby basics together to get ready for Friday. We also started calling friends and family to tell them about the good news.

Page 10 - The day we met our little angel for the first time and brought her home from the hospital. I included a picture of me holding her in the hospital and a picture of the hospital sign. We were very fortunate to have 2 hours with the nurse in a private room in the hospital to hold and cuddle with our little one and take lots of pictures of our first meeting.

Page 11 - I discuss our meeting with the nurse, who was, I may add, fantastic. She told us what our daughter's experience was like in the hospital, what her favourite rocking position was, and other preferences, for example, she didn't like being swaddled and preferred to have her legs and arms free. I wish I would have taken a picture of this wonderful nurse who was so patient to answer all of our questions.

Page 12 - A picture of the three of us in the hospital, mom, dad and baby! Proud parents is the caption underneath the picture. I then describe our (fast, but safe) drive home and that our girl slept the whole way home.

Page 13 - "First Night at Home" I wrote a few paragraphs describing our first night together. Baby was fussy, so just after midnight I ended up cuddling with her the rest of the night and she slept better and settled right in. I included a picture of dad holding our baby, while grandma and cousin watch on.

Page 14 - I chose to end with another adoption poem, I'm not sure who the author is, I found it on the web. I included a picture of me holding my little sweetie. I also wrote a quick blurb about how old she was when I started talking to her about being part of an adoptive family. She was six months old.

Here's the poem:
If we had to do it over again
Adoption is what we'd choose
We got more than we had hoped for
The day we adopted you
For you have given us more in life
Than we could ever want or need
You made our house into a home
And made our family complete
We love you more than life itself
For all the things you say and do
And if we had it to do over again
You'd be the only one we'd choose.

That's a rap! That's the last page of my daughter's adoption story scrapbook.

I then went on to create a scrapbook of our daughter's first year. I included a picture of the day she was born, but the rest of the pictures are from when she came home with us. What a blessing she is to us! In the fall I will start working on my second daughter's adoption story scrapbook- it's a good winter project, right now my garden needs to be purged of weeds!

"Martian Child" Movie Review- An Adoptive Mom's Perspective

The movie "Martian Child" with John Cusack, Bobby Coleman and Amanda Peet, was recommended to my husband and me by a family member. This family member felt the topic of adoption was handled beautifully in this movie and thought it would be a great idea for both of our daughters to watch it.

My husband and I were excited to watch the movie after such a glowing review. We've been talking about keeping an eye open for movies that have a positive message about adoption and adoptive families.

After watching the movie, I profoundly disagree with the person who made the recommendation.

I agree that the movie is heartwarming. I agree that the movie is well done, well acted, and well scripted. I would imagine that most adults would find this movie touching and thought provoking. I do not think this would be a good movie to show children who are adopted.

My perspective comes from trying my best to imagine viewing the movie from a child's point of view. Children do not have sophisticated reasoning like an adult, and will often take shortcuts in their reasoning because at their age, that is all they are capable of. For example, the title of the film is "Martian Child." The title aptly describes the main character in the film. However, would a child who is adopted feel that she/he is weird too, like the main character, just because they are both adopted?

The reason why the main character in this film is referred to as a Martian Child is because at 6 years old he has been abandoned and is old enough to know how deeply that hurts. He pretends he's from Mars in order to distance himself from others to prevent getting hurt again. It's possible that a child who was adopted when she/he was older, may find this movie encouraging. After all, there is a feel good ending.

John Cusack plays the role of the adoptive dad and does a wonderful job. He is patient and understanding of the boy, named Dennis. Despite tremendous challenges John Cusack's character remains committed and grows to love Dennis deeply. By the end of the movie it's obvious they share a very special bond.

Having said that, I don't think this movie would send a positive message about adoption to a child who was adopted at birth or soon after birth. Children adopted around the time of their birth don't typically have significant abandonment issues as children who are adopted when they are older. I think children who were adopted early in their life, would find this movie confusing and possibly disturbing.

Just because a movie has an adoption label on it, doesn't auutomatically mean it is appropriate to show your kids. Watch it yourself first, and make a decision that's best for your family.