I read a magazine article recently about a group of unrelated families who have something very important in common. They chose the same sperm donor to be the biological father of their children. They didn't expect to be seeking each other out, but they felt they needed to in order to get some answers to their questions. Their main question was whether or not other children with the same sperm donor had autism as well. They found that to be true. However, after contacting the sperm bank numerous times, they were told that the sperm donor's contact information was confidential and there was no way to contact this biological father. This would be a frustrating black hole. As a person with infertility problems I can understand the urgency one feels to start a family, and to have to turn to complete strangers and trust that all will be well, even though you're no longer in control- it's tremendously difficult. Then to find out later that all is not well and not even be able to find out important medical history about your child could be incredibly scarey and frustrating.
My husband and I briefly considered sperm donation, but felt that if our child wouldn't share both our DNA, then she/he didn't have to share any of our DNA. I'm glad to have the medical history of all biological parents and current contact information for both of our daughters' biological mothers. I trust the biological mother's would be able to find out any other medical information we would need, should the need arise. At the same time, unexpected medical issues can come up from out of the blue with biological families as well. Some dear friends found out that their son has Crohn's disease, they were shocked as none of their immediate family had the disease, but later found out a great uncle had a form of it. You never can predict.
One the flip side, I've seen interviews with people who have sought out the sperm donor who carries the other half of their genetic code. An anonymous sperm donor holds half of the genetic answers to who you are. The quest for identity. The quest for a complete history of one self. This also sounds like the quest of an adoptee. Wanting to meet someone who looks like you, who sounds like you, who hiccups like you, needing to know one's history is a fundamental need. To say it's not fundamental, is to not understand the makings of identity, the importance of knowing from whence you began.
All I'm trying to say is, if you've discovered you or your mate is infertile, consider all your options carefully before jumping into anything. Be it sperm donation, egg donation, in vitro or adoption, they all have pros and cons. Be honest with yourself and your mate, and in future, your child and don't pretend that just because your child carries half of the genetic code of the union with your mate, all will be well.
Don't underestimate the gravity of chosing to create a family via sperm donation and don't keep it as a secret from your child if you do go that route (they always seem to find out one way or another). Think about the decisions you are making now and if you and your child will continue to respect those decisions 20 years from now. There are no guarantees, no matter what- biological families included. In some respects that's the beauty of it, the leap of faith into parenthood.
