Emotions when Adopting

Both of my girls were under 1 month old when my husband and I picked them up from the hospital. They were both adopted locally and we feel very fortunate that we adopted them so young.

My eldest daughter was 2.5 yrs old when we adopted my youngest daughter. What took me by surprise was how adopting my second daughter was more emotionally draining for both me and my husband than first time around. It could be that since in vitro didn't work we had recently dealt with the issues of loss, with our first daughter. From the instant we saw her in the hospital, it felt so magical- we both definitely felt like it was meant to be. We were elated. I'm not sure if anyone has experienced this, but with our second adoption, wave after wave of painful emotions came back again. Don't get me wrong, we were thrilled to adopt for a second time and our second daughter was so sweet, she really went easy on us, as far as newborns go. But, I'm not a person to sweep feelings under the carpet, I prefer to deal with them head on, so these powerfully sad emotions caught me off guard.

I feel I need to say that never at any time have I been disappointed in either of my daughters. I continue to feel so blessed to be their mom. I think they are both amazing girls and I'm learning so much from them- I hope they're learning something from me too! I can say that I'm so thankful my second daughter was so patient with us adapting from one child to two. She's a dream, a sweet, sweet dream.

I was also surprised that these emotions took several months to subside. I was grieving the loss of my privacy. I was grieving the loss of simplicity. I was grieving a loss of freedom, that we had to rely on social workers (who were sometimes quite grumpy) and an agency to make our family grow, when I'd rather not have anything to do with them. I didn't ask for this. All I wanted was a family, how did it get so complicated? I was working through accepting all of that.

I'm happy to say I'm in a much better place now. Reminding myself, how lucky I am to be a mom, helps. Thinking of my girls' smiling faces helps tremendously. As I look around the world, it's not a perfect place and lots of terrible things happen to good people. If this is as good as it gets, it's good enough for me. I will gladly "buckle up" for the ride of being an adoptive mother. If I'm somehow being called to be an ambassador for adoption, then so be it.

Choosing an Adoption Agency

Choosing an Adoption Agency is a very important decision. Adopting is an emotional process with lots of bumps and unexpected turns. Make sure you feel comfortable with the social workers you'll be working with through this momentous journey. Meet with a few different adoption agencies (if possible) and ask lots of questions. Keep in mind that this is after all, a business for them, so listen to your "Spidey sense."

I called our local adoption association and asked if they could give me the names and numbers of people who had recently adopted, so I could talk with them about their experience with the agencies they used. The adoption association was helpful and gave me a list of people, who had volunteered to be contacts for other prospective adoptive parents, like myself. I was able to contact three people from the list and speaking with them was interesting, even though none of them had used the agencies we were thinking about.

My husband and I met with 2 different agencies and immediately were uncomfortable with the "sales pitch" given by the director of the first agency. We heard afterward that some people loved that agency, and others had bad experiences with them. We decided not to sign on with them.

We did feel comfortable with the second agency. We compared the fees between both the agencies and the fees were comparable. Definitely ask for a fee schedule before you proceed though, each agency does things differently, including at what point in the process they require payment. One agency will request payment in lump sums of $2000, and another agency will request $4000 lump sum payments.

One of the reasons we went with the second agency is they provided a weekend information workshop without having to sign on with them. This workshop was very informative. Just being able to connect with other couples who are going through the same thing you are and knowing you're not alone, was comforting. The social workers facitilitating covered theory and psychology in adoption. There was also a panel of birth mothers, that told their story and we were able to ask them questions. This was very eye opening and certainly helped put aside fears of openess in adoption. The next day there was a panel of adoptive parents who shared their stories which was equally informative.

We also found out at the workshop that you can request a social worker to write your homestudy. So we requested one of the social workers who facilitated the workshop and we were very glad we did that. She turned out to be a wonderful support and resource.

We live in Canada, and in our province, the social workers who work closely with adoptive families are contract workers. They often have contracts with multiple adoption agencies. So if you like a particular social worker, find out which agencies they have contracts with and you can choose an agency on that basis as well.

If you initially meet with a social worker that was assigned to you by the agency and you don't feel comfortable with him or her, call the agency right away to request a different social worker. You will be spending hours talking with the social worker about your life and your philosophies about parenting, and other very personal information, so make sure you like them.

Yes, the information the social worker is gathering about you is very detailled and personal. If you're a private person, and the thought of telling a virtual stranger intimate details about yourself and your partner feels uncomfortable- then join the club! I'm right there with you! But stop and think about it from the birthmother's point-of-view. If you were a birthmother, wouldn't you want to know some detailled information about the couple who could parent your biological child?

We adopted locally for both of our girls. I cannot emphasize enough how important choosing an adoption agency is. The adoption agency you choose will be your guide through unknown territory, so make sure you trust them. Get a feel for whether the agency is pro-birthmother or pro-adoptive family or is there a balance? Hopefully there's a balance and the agency truly wants to make sure it's the right match by helping the birthmother find the right family for her biological child.

Does the agency provide adequate counselling to the birthmothers? This was very important to me. I wanted to make sure the birthmothers were receiving excellent counselling and support so it was less likely they would change their minds down the road. The social workers we spoke with said they helped the birthmother go through a list of possible options to explore the ways in which she could parent. The last option on the list was an adoption plan. I was very happy to hear that, because again, there would be less chance the birthmother would change her mind later on.

Do the agency staff seem organized? There is alot of paperwork and legal work to be done at various stages of the adoption process. Ensure you have faith that the agency will not lose important documents, etc. so your adoption will take place as smoothly as possible.

Remember, even the smoothest adoptions have bumps and every adoption is different. My kids are worth every bump along the way.

Thoughts on Adoption Language and a Children's Book

I discovered a book that had the word "adopted" in it, so I had to bring it home and check it out. I wanted to go over it before reading it to my daughter, just to make sure the overall message was positive.

The book is "It's Okay to Be Different" by Todd Parr, published by Little Brown and Company. It's clear the author is trying to show children that there's nothing wrong with being different. Each page has one sentence with a picture and the messages are quite positive, such as "It's okay to talk about your feelings." "It's okay to say NO to bad things." or "It's okay to be proud of yourself." The book is also peppered with people with disablilities such as a blind lady with a seeing eye dog, "It's okay to need some help," or a boy in a wheelchair, "It's okay to have wheels." The tone is gentle and has a sense of humour as well, "It's okay to eat macaroni and cheese in the bathtub."

On the whole the book is very positive and inclusive. "It's okay to have different Moms. It's okay to have different Dads." And in the middle of the book, "It's okay to be adopted." My concern is that being adopted in this book is in the same group as having a disability, and is considered being odd/different. Being adopted is different, so is my concern my own issue, or does this book end up sending a negative message about adoption even though it's trying to be positive?

Part of my reluctance to share this book with my eldest daughter( who is currently under the age of 5) comes from a fundamentally different approach that my husband and myself are taking with our language choices when explaining adoption to my older daughter (explaining it all to my youngest will come when she's a little older). We've chosen to focus on our family as an adoptive family. We will not use the phrase, "She's adopted" instead we say "We are an adoptive family, and she is our daughter." If I were adopted, I think I would feel much more comfortable with the second choice of language.

To focus on our family, sends the message that we are all in this together, no matter what. Being adopted is not her (our daughter's) problem, it is part of the story of how our family came together. I also say, "I am an adoptive mother and she is my daughter." to take the "spotlight" off of the child, and place it on to myself. I don't want her to feel different, special is fine, but different nevers feels good, no matter how you try to rationalize it. I want her to know that our family came together in a different way, and that there are many different kinds of families. That way we can feel different together, instead of her feeling different, alone.

This rant is just a reminder to not assume that any book/article/t-shirt, etc. that is related to adoption will send the right message to your kids. By "right" message, I only mean the message you intend to send them about how you feel (and possibly they feel) about being in an adoptive family. How do you want(/hope) your kids to feel about being adopted?

Infertility and Adoption

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. If I couldn't be a mom I'd feel incomplete, that's how strong the urge was for me. My husband and I went through the in vitro process twice- both attempts were obviously, not successful. I'm glad we went through the in vitro process because I always would have wondered if it would have worked, if we had'nt tried.

It's not fair that some people can make babies so easily and others can't with no rhyme or reason. My husband and I got married young and continue to have a strong, loving relationship. We'd been married for ten years before we started trying to have a family, so we knew we had a strong foundation. I never, ever would have guessed that we would have infertility problems. It's such a shock, I felt like I was in a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. It just wasn't fair that we did everything right and yet we couldn't move forward to start a family, something that was so easy for other people.

I still have difficulties seeing single moms in the grocery store or at the mall, who treat their kids with such disrespect and don't appreciate the gifts they've been given. Kids never get to choose their parents, but the idealist in me wishes every child could have two great parents, because that's what every child deserves, just for being born.

Infertility isn't fair, but if you want to have any sort of peace and be able to move on, you have to accept infertility for what it is. There is no why me. It is what it is. If you struggle against what you cannot change, you waste energy that could be better used elsewhere. I've made peace with our infertility, I cannot change it, I must accept it. Adoption is a wonderful option, but it's also more emotionally complicated than I expected. I'd do all over again just to be a mom, for me, it was worth it.

Adoption Blog

I've started this Adoption Blog to help other prospective and current adoptive parents. I've earned my stripes! I know all too well the pain of infertility and the rollercoaster ride also known as the adoption process.

My husband and I went through the domestic adoption process twice with two different adoption agencies. The final court documents for our second daughter were finalized only a few months ago and what a relief that was! I'm so thrilled to finally be a mother of two wonderful girls!

I'd jump on the rollercoaster all over again to be a mom for my special girls, but the ride is bumpy and I suspect the bumps will continue. I want to be the best mom I can be for my girls, so when they're adults and look back, they'll be happy that I'm they're mom.