I've been getting to know some of the other parents in my neighborhood. There's one mom in particular who has a daughter the same age as my eldest. Our girls get along well, whenever they're together, which isn't very often.
This particular mom is pregnant and due in 3 more months. She's hinted at getting the girls getting together for a play date, but I've been avoiding the topic entirely. As, I'm sure with most women who are pregnant, she talks alot about being pregnant and what the delivery experience was like with her first daughter. I'll be more willing to get together, once her second child's been born. I love to talk about baby's!
Well, as anyone reading this blog would guess, since I'm an adoptive mom, I've never been pregnant. I have nothing to contribute to the conversation and furthermore, don't feel comfortable telling this woman in particular that we're an adoptive family. She talks alot and I don't trust that she'll keep it to herself if I told her.
I like the idea of maintaining control of who I tell about our family- though it may be unrealistic to think I can maintain control over the news. The reason I do this is because I feel that if I only tell people who I think will be respectful of the topic, then my girls are less likely to be hurt by an ignorant or rude comment.
My caution about who to tell what, brings to mind some questions about disclosure. Should I be more open? Am I being too careful? Will my girls understand and be cautious too, or will it make them feel like there's something wrong? Transracial families look different from one another, so there's no choosing, no option of privacy. Does that make it harder, but at the same time more honest, because it's more open?
I would love to hear feedback about what other adoptive families do. I plan to tell all of our close friends that we're an adoptive family. But when it comes to people I know in the neighborhood, or parents of children my child plays with, I just don't think everyone needs to know the ins and outs of my family. I don't care to know all the ins and outs of their's. It's my family and I'll say what I want to!!
3 comments:
Hi there... I think just be honest. I am not a parent yet but we have just finished our home study. I have told the world that we are adopting and I am very excited about us becoming parents. I have been pregnant many times and I know what you mean about relating to people talking about pregnancy as I never had a baby at the end of it - it is difficult sometimes BUT now I don't mind as I am going to become a parent but just by different means. I love you website - it came up when I put in positive adoption stories... I think that says alot about you! Take Care J x
Hello J x,
Thanks so much for posting your comment! I always appreciate hearing from others about their thoughts and views on adoption related topics. I wish you well in your journey through the adoption process! Please feel free to follow up and let me know how your adoption journey is going for you!
I have no children (I actually might adopt myself) but my father was adopted and unfortunately his adopted family made many mistakes in this area. I'll share his experience and hopefully it will be some use to you. First off, they didn't tell him he was adopted. He overheard the fact he was adopted and he was devastated. It would have been better for him to know that he has a mother who gave birth to him and a mommy who now cares for him and loves him. If it was just mentioned from day one as a given (just like having grandparents is a given) then I don't think it would have had the same effect. His adoptive parents from then on spent his childhood talking about what terrible birth parents he had. I know my fathers adoptive parents wanted him to love them more and were insecure but he saw the insults against his birth family as insults towards him. They were his blood after all. In my opinion, your family is as normal as any others and there is no need to feel insecure or secretive about it. You have a beautiful daughter without the stretch marks, back pain and birth pains!
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