"Birth mom" versus "Birth lady"

Here I go again opening my big mouth. But that's what blogs are about aren't they?

In previous posts I've mentioned how extremely powerful language choices are when speaking to a young child in particular. Think for a minute, that you are a child (ie. 5 yrs and under) and you accept whatever your parents say, must be true.

As a child, listening to your parents, whom you spend ALL your time with and you rely on them for every basic need, from comfort to food, to having fun. You hear your parents talking about the other mother that you have, the birth mother. This mother is different from your mother though. You may never have met her, you may not even know what she looks like, you don't know her very well at all. Yet she is your other mother. Well, what is a mother? What does a mother do? How does a mother make you feel?

The word "Mother" is such a powerful word, most of us take for granted what it means. When you are a young child, your mother is your world. So to find out that there is another mother of yours out there whom you may or may not have even met, means alot to a child who is adopted and would be confusing.

This is why I've chosen to use the term "birth lady" with my girls when referring to their biological mother. I'll only use this term when they are young, so they understand the adoption process and who's involved, a little easier. The ins and outs of adoption are kinda complicated. When my kids are older, such as 9 or 10 years old, they can call their biological mothers whatever they want. "Birth mom", "bio mom", just the bio mom's name, whatever they choose is fine. By that age, their brains are developed enough to truly understand what being adopted means. It's during these early years, I'm trying to lessen the confusion for them.

Let's look at the flip side, because I'm all about opposing view points. One of my friends thinks I'm being selfish because I'm choosing to use the term birth lady instead of birth mother. Am I being selfish? Is this all about me? If this were all about me, I'd insist they always refer to their birth lady as the birth lady and never make any reference to her being their mother. They do share DNA with their biological mother. But does getting pregnant automatically mean you get to be called mother if you choose not to parent?

Is a mother a person you have a relationship with? Is a mother someone you share DNA with? In biological families it's both, but not in adoptive families. These are complicated issues, why place the burden on a young child to sort it out? They will have plenty of time when they're older and understand more, to debate this within themselves.

In the meantime, think about what's best for your adoptive family. So for today, think about your choices in language from your kids point of view and do what's best for them. And that's all I have to say about that: )

P.S. I've focussed on the word "mother" in this article mainly because birth mom is used more than birth dad, because often the birth dad's aren't in the picture.