I recently received a letter from one of my girl's biological mothers. I appreciate her keeping in touch, as it will show my little girl, when she grows up, that her biological mother cared enough to keep in touch and is genuinely interested in finding out, how she is doing.
There were however a few things in the letter that inspired some questions. The first was that her birth lady continues to call her by her middle name (the one her birth lady chose), not her first name that we gave her. So I wonder, will this bother my little girl when she's old enough to read these letters?
The second is that in the letters, her birth lady continues to refer to the biological father as if they are in a stable relationship, which we were told, they are not. That is the reason an adoption plan was made for our little girl, is because she was (as are most adoptive children) born into a situation where the biological mother wasn't capable of raising her by herself, mainly because of the instability of the relationship with bio dad. Will this also be confusing for my little girl when she is older?
My third concern involves some pictures that the birth lady sent. In one picture her birth lady is sitting in a sports car. We were told that another reason why the birth lady made an adoption plan is she didn't have a sufficient income to support a child on her own. Then why is she sitting in a sports car? I'm very sure the sports car isn't hers. I'm sure she thought the picture was fun and that's why she sent it, but it's confusing for a child who's been adopted to deal with an inconsistency such as this.
I often think about what I can do to make this easier for my girls, I'm careful with my language choices, I have a few books in the house about adoption and adoptive families. Whenever a question comes up, I answer it as honest and best I can in a respectful manner, taking in to consideration the age of the child posing the question.
My question is, are biological parents as careful? It's difficult to generalize. But honestly, most often children who are adopted are rescued from rough situations involving dysfunctional people. People who are not capable of providing adequate parenting for a child. Does it serve the child well to constantly be reminded of that dysfunction by maintaining a completely open adoption throughout the child's early life?
I believe wholeheartedly that there are open adoptions where everyone is benefitting from the visits. But are they the minority or the majority? Has any research been done on that? Why do the social workers and adoption agencies BLINDLY promote open adoptions without taking into consideration the needs of those involved on a case by case basis?
Openness should evolve as the parties get to know each other and trust is built. The primary directive should always be what is best for the CHILD. I understand that many birth ladies are eager to maintain a relationship because they are genuinely concerned about the child and let's be honest, it helps alleviate the guilt/shame that they chose not to parent. But this is only partially about the birth ladies. The children must be the priority.
I know this is likely contraversial, but I believe that pictures and letters are sufficient for openess for most adoptions (again if all parties are eager for a full on open adoption and it's working out- great!). Home movie DVDs are great to send to birth ladies as well- a nice to have. I think that having visits with the biological family is confusing for children when they are young. Think of the power of the word "mother." Then think of how confused you would be if you were a child and you knew who your mother was (she lives with you everyday), but then someone else said you have another mother, but she was a stranger to you?
Once the adopted child comes to an age, such as 18, when they have formed their own self-identity and have emotional maturity, then I would want them to meet with their biological families, if they so chose. It should be their own choice, because this is part of their past, their story, their life, they should get to control it.
The adoption process is supposed to focus on the child and find the best situation for them, let's make sure it truly is the best for them.
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