The topic of biological siblings is a complex one. What's the best way to introduce the concept of biological sisters to a child who was adopted? What is the best age to approach the topic? What choices in language will help your child understand the concept of biological sibling, while still maintaining focus on family and siblings within the adoptive family?
Every situation is so different. In my family, I have two daughters, so I would very much like the priority to be their sibling within our adoptive family. Biological siblings must be talked about, and I believe that it's up to the child to decide if they want to meet their biological siblings.
My current feeling is that it is best to talk about the birth lady first. We've talked to our eldest daughter about how we're an adoptive family and she came out of another lady's tummy. But her birth lady is also a parent now, so in the next year or so we'll need to talk to my daughter about birth lady's daughter. Is it wrong to leave out the part about a biological half sister? This is complicated stuff to a 4 year old. She's still developing the concept of family in her own mind. What does a mom do, what does a dad do, how do I interact with my sister? My daughter is clever, so in time I know she will put it together. But will she resent me for not laying it all out for her?
My other thought is that I'm just worrying too much, and that however I approach it, it'll all come out fine in the end. So long as I treat the topic with respect and follow my kids lead, it'll be okay. I'm so protective of my girls, I want to do my best to ease any emotional rough patches while my girls are learning just what it means to be a part of an adoptive family. I know I also have to learn to let go and to trust that all will be well. When they're older, they will go out and traverse the rest of their emotional journey on their own. Who knows, it may not be very emotional at all!!!
2 comments:
I have two daughters; one adopted, one biological...They are total opposites; best friends -- however, they wear the same size clothing, are the same height, identical shoe sizes, hair worn exactly same; one color black; one blonde. Personalities very similar, laugh lots....but, the most important thing is that they take care of each other....total dedication to each's other's well-being. They are ten years apart in age...both grown, and professional women.
Three years ago, I discovered that my child's birth mother lived no more than ten miles from her...this daughter was born probaby 1500 miles away...My daughter could live anywhere in this world...she has, as a military dependent. She married a boy of Polish descent, moved to the mid-west....Her biological family lives within her breathing space, it seems...Seems as if the spouse of this biological mother is also of Polish descent.
My heart was broken -- in half -- No child should not see the eyes of the person who birth them -- My faith gave me the unconditional love from Our Lord to allow thanks for the years she has been my child. Upon sharing this with her, she cried that we didn't want her -- her sister shared grief that she would lose her to the biological sisters and brother identified. My husband lives in denial that this favored child of his is adopted. But, I know that this has to be...God wants this for my daughter -- She will find peace and confidence within this world. However, she has not moved forward with this knowledge...Told me that I am the only mother she knows. However, I do know there have been abandonment issues with this beautiful woman...She needs her mother. If and when she is ready, I will take her -- my tears will be those of the biological mother's...This beautiful child needed her love -- they will know it.
I need prayers and thoughts --
Thank you...
amcf
Wow, thanks for your post, and for sharing your family's story. Adoption brings up so many emotions that can be complicated to unravel. Never forget that you will always be your daughter's mother, in her eyes. A mother-daughter relationship is so much more that merely sharing DNA. Think of the history of interactions you have with your daughter, years and years of memories. Your daughter owns her adoption history and should be in complete control of how she uses this information. She alone can decide whether or not she should contact biological relatives. Making contact will not necessarily be a positive experience and should not be assumed to be positive. It's up to your daughter to decide if and how she needs to heal.
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