Relationships in adoption can be complicated. Recently my daughter asked what her birth mother looks like. My husband described her appearance but didn't offer to show her a picture, because he wasn't sure if we had one. He told me about their conversation later in the day. We do have one picture of her birth mother, I've asked for more pictures, but this particular birth mother only sent one. It's a picture that has the birth mother's second biological child on her lap. The birth mother decided to parent her second biological child. My husband and I have been talking about what we should do.
We're concerned that our daughter may feel rejected because her birth mother chose to keep her second child. We also wonder how she will react to finding out she has a biological (half) sister. Will that knowledge change the relationship she has with her sister within our adoptive family? Will she want to meet her birth mother and bio sister once she sees a picture of them and it all becomes much more real for her? Is she ready to handles the intense emotions that comes with meeting a birth mother and biological sister? She's already a very emotional 7 year old girl. She's very bright too and already understands that her birth mother was her mother for a short time.
Ultimately we know we will show her the picture. We have no right to withold any information about her past. I would never want her to resent us. I don't think she's ready to read letter from her birth mother. When she's older, I'll tell her we can read them together. The picture, and the letters are part of her story of where she came from and who she is. It wouldn't be fair to keep them from her, I just want to make sure that we present them when the time is right.
1 comment:
I never really thought of it from that perspective. My son's birthmother just gave birth to her second child, and also decided to keep it. I've never though of what would it be like for my son to someday feel unwanted by his birthmom. I'm just sad for him, because he will have to grow up without his biological sister. The birthmother did not male up her mind about keeping the baby, until her seventh month of pregnancy. The decision was difficult for us, but we supported her. Now, I'm having mixed feelings about all this--will my son be upset to have to grow up without his sister? Could she have been the daughter that I never had? Will my son feel unloved because she kept him? I just dint know...
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