One of my goals as an adoptive mom is to take steps early on to ensure I have good relationships with my daughters. I feel like there's a vulnerability in not having biology in common. I also feel that my relationship with my daughters should be solid, so that if and when emotional ups and downs come and as they start to understand the adoption process more, that they will come to me with their questions.
I know I'll always be their mom, but I don't want to take that priviledge for granted.
So that begs the question, what makes for a quality relationship with your children? What are the key elements to create not just a bond, but a lasting, close bond that endures even once your children become adults? It's clear that relationships between parents and children change dramatically once the children become adults. What are the key elements in making sure the connection with your child continues to evolve as your child grows and develops?
I'm still searching for those answers. As a best guess, I'd include respect at all stages, and also fun and play. Humour is such a powerful tool to connect, but for some of us who grew up in ultra serious homes- that's often "easier said than done." I think if your child feels that you trust them and allow them to be as free as possible they will thoroughly appreciate that space for them to "grow in." Also, by giving them authentic attention, without being distracted, they'll know they can rely on you being there for them when they need you.
Not judging our kids and allowing them to be who they truly are, is a BIG one. This is a tough one, for many of the moms I've talked to regardless of whether they're children are biological or adopted. As parents we have hopes and dreams and expectations of who our children could be. As a mom of a 4 and a half year old and a 2 year old, I realize more and more that it's not about me. There are decisions I must let my girls make without me, so they get practice. Yes, they may fail, but they will learn more from those times than from success and it is only their personal experience that they will truly learn from.
Some of their decisions may embarass me, like choosing wierd outfits to wear to school and the like, but I feel it's more important that my girls get comfortable with making their own decisions, free of judgement, so they can be leaders in the future. If they aren't allowed the freedom to take risks as children, they will definitely not take risks as adults.
Positive communication patterns are so important as well. How does your child feel when they're having a conversation with you? Are they defensive most of the time? Do they expect a negative reaction? Are they relaxed? Does your child feel heard by you? These patterns of communication start when children are young and are a cornerstone in the foundation of your relationship with them. What can you do now to help with the communications patterns once your child becomes a teenager and their friends are much more dominant in their life?
Freedom, lack of judgment, fun, respect and positive communication patterns, I feel are key to building quality relationships with our kids. If you think I've missed something or have found something that works well with strengthening the bond with your child- please let me know!!
