The movie, "Then She Found Me" is about a woman in her late thirties who is contacted by her biological mother. Helen Hunt plays April, the main character, and she is in the middle of a marriage break up at the time, so she is already very emotional. The biological mother, Bernice, played by Bette Midler, will not take no for an answer and is a tour de force in her own right. April is of course curious at first, but soon discovers that Bernice is quite a selfish woman and tries to sever the relationship. Bernice persists and they both work at the relationship so they're able to arrive at a place where it works for both of them. The movie is based on the book of the same title by Elinor Lipman.
April's adoptive mother has recently passed away, which makes things much less complicated for April and Bernice to work out the kinks in their rocky start of a relationship. April comes from a family where her brother was a biological son to their parents. She always felt she was different in the family because of that, even though her mother insists that parenting is the same for both a biological and a child who was adopted. April is not so sure.
April's biological clock is ticking and with the break up of her marriage she considers adopting, and is reluctant, but does so at the end of the movie. She seems to be quite happy as an adoptive mother.
In my research about the making of the movie, Helen Hunt, as the director maintains the primary theme of the movie is Betrayal. The main character is betrayed by her husband, since he cheats on her. She is "betrayed" by her birth mother, for making an adoption plan. There is a momentous scene in which April confronts Bernice and forces Bernice to admit that Bernice wanted a life more than she wanted April. This is the crux of the "adoption betrayal" in this movie.
This is a BIG question. As a biological mother, making an adoption plan, is that a betrayal to the child? No. Let's be honest. Women making adoption plans are nervous about their circumstances. Do they have enough support for the monumental task of parenting a child to adulthood? Financial support and emotional support? If they follow through with the adoption plan, the resounding answer is NO. They don't have enough support, they feel they won't be a good parent because of a lack of support. It is then a gift to the child to place him/her for adoption. The gift of a life.
A betrayal is for a selfish parent, single or married, to keep the child and never think for a minute what is best for the child. We all know this happens. This happens in rich and poor families. What is best for the child. The child should always be the focus. A betrayal is a single mother who decides to parent and has a string of live-in boyfriends which creates a very unstable environment for the child. Is a biological mother/father who is an addictive gambler/drug addict/alcoholic, someone who has betrayed their child? Absolutely. Is a parent who habitually physically abuses their child betraying their child? Definitely.
A betrayal is to make major decisions about the child's life, without keeping in mind the best interests of the child. Being a biological or an adoptive family, makes no difference.
A betrayal is also aborting a child. Never giving the child a chance to live. Who could that child have been? What would his/her dreams and hopes have been? Who would her friends have been? Who would he/she have influenced? Whose mother/father would she/he have been? This question is rarely raised. If I was adopted, I would definitely prefer being adopted over being aborted and never existing at all.
Who has asked biological children if they WISH they had been adopted into a different family? Children living in crack houses or in families where a biological father or uncle is sexually abusing them. Children who know their parents don't care about them. They don't feel cherished. They don't feel loved. For the 18 years of bad parenting, these children feel lost for the rest of their lives. They may live til they're 90 or longer. The betrayal sits at the core of their very being and is with them everyday.
In conclusion, I hope I've made it obvious that I strongly disagree with Helen Hunt's premise that placing a child for adoption is a betrayal. Making an adoption plan is one of the most loving, selfless things a person can do. It takes courage and I hope birth mothers are proud of themselves for doing so. They put the child first, we should all be grateful.
