The Gift of An Ordinary Day

I'm feeling very lucky to be a mom today. As an adoptive mom I really am fortunate to be a mom, because other infertile couples still wait for children to join them. Being a parent is a priviledge, we're moulding the next generation of our society. Kids aren't just kids, they're people too. As they look back on their childhood, they'll likely have some specific memories. Most important of all, how will they feel, when they think back on their childhood? Did they feel as though they were a gift? I certainly am not advocating to spoil your children, they inherently know when they are being treated fairly or when they've pushed it too far. In those ordinary days, did they feel seen and heard? Did someone feel they were important enough to stop, look, listen and be present to who they are and what they had to say? I want my children to feel they matter.

Our children only live with us for a short time. They grow up, move out, and create their own families. While mine live with me, I want to appreciate every day, the special and the ordinary.

Here's an inspirational video:
http://vimeo.com/8054255

"Teen Mom" TV Show~ Glorification or Reality Check?

I watched an episode of the Teen Mom TV show on the Much Music channel. I was interested in watching it because I heard that a teenage couple on the show made an adoption plan for their biological baby and I was curious about how the show handled the topic of adoption.

I thought the topic of adoption was handled respectfully and honestly on the episode that I saw. The teenage couple mentioned that though they missed their biological daughter, they were thrilled with the parents they chose to be her parents. They get to see her once per year on her birthday and look forward to seeing her. The teenage couple knew they weren't ready to be parents and are proud of their decision. I was really glad they were on the TV show, as an example of what the adoption process is like these days. It's my hope that more teen moms will be better educated about adoption as an option so they will include it in their decision-making process.

It was clear in the "Teen Mom" TV show that all of the teenage parents were having some difficulty in balancing being a parent with developing stable relationships and finishing school. In my opinion, it showed how difficult it is to be a teenage parent, and any pregnant teens watching the show would get a reality check. However, in speaking with another adoptive mom, she thought the teen mom's were glorified in the show, they are after all, becoming celebrities just because they are on the TV show.

All I know is, more information is a good thing. Realistically, adoption rates will likely continue without change. Pregnant teens will weigh their options as they always have. They will consider how much support they feel they will need and most likely receive as a parent regardless of what they see on TV. After all, it doesn't feel real, until it's happening to you.

Even Santa Claus!

Happy Holidays Everyone! Best Wishes for a Peaceful and Healthy New Year!

I had to chuckle over the holidays about one particular visit to see Santa Claus. My girls are still young enough to be smitten with the Man in Red, so we go to see him as often as we can. This year one of the Santa's we visited with had one look at my daughters and asked if they were sisters. Of course they are! Just not in the way people usually assume- they're not biological sisters. Most Santa's we've seen may have noticed the same thing (my daughters look nothing alike), but they were wise enough to bite their tongue- especially being "Santa Claus!"

In any case, I hope your holiday travels bring you safely home. All the best from me and mine to you and yours!

These are the Trials of Life

I've been reading stories about adoption experiences, particularly adoptees who are angry and bitter. I don't understand their pain. Nor do they understand mine. These are the trials of life. Feeling as though one is displaced without roots, feeling rejected, asking why me. It's not fair. Why? I used to wonder why was I not allowed to experience the joys of pregnancy. Sometimes I still wonder, will my daughter have a better relationship with her birthmother than she does with me? Why can't it be easy. Why can't it be simple. Why can't it be better than it is.

Because these are the trials of life. These are the bumps in the road that we all live with in these days of ours. Why stop asking why, with adoption? Why do some people get cancer or Aids or suddenly die of a heart attack? Why are some involved in a tragic accident leaving them paralyzed? Why are children abducted and sold into slavery? Why did the tsunami kill so many people and leave others half-dead, homeless and hungry? Millions of people.

Why?

Is anyone immune? No. Some coast through pretty well, for awhile if they're lucky, but the bumps come and sometimes they're so big, you'll feel displaced for awhile.

What we're left with is, how do we choose to react to the trials of life. Anger can lead to action, which can be helpful. Peace, another choice. What is our experience of life through these trials? Does worrying help? Does resentment help? How do you choose to live your life? Does it mean anything? What gives your life meaning, and does it also give you joy?

Whatever your calling, whatever your trial, my hope is that you find a space created by you and just for you, that you can call your own and you can claim your peace and joy or whatever other emotion helps you feel settled, and resolute, amidst the trials of life.

Celebrity Adoptions

If I were an alien peering from outer space and used magazine covers to figure 'us' out, I'd conclude that adopting is popular among our species. There have been alot of headlines capturing adoptions by celebrities. Transracial celebrity adoptions in particular have received alot of attention the past few years. From Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt adopting children from Cambodia (Maddox), Africa (Zahara), and Vietnam (Pax), to Madonna adopting a child from Africa (David Banda), and the latest news, Sandra Bullock adopting Louis (isn't he darling?) from New Orleans.

My hope is that all of this attention will underline a recurring theme, which is families don't always look alike, but they are families, so get used to it. Regardless of race or colour, a family is a collection of souls abiding together. To spend any time or give any attention to race, or colour is focussing on the superficial. Unfortunately many people in our culture are superficial, that is a reality. It's not just superficiality, but also a matter of exposure. How many transracial families live in your neighborhood? How often do you see a transracial family when your out and about? These days we're seeing more and more and I think the more the better.

Whether it's a picture on a magazine cover or a family in your neighborhood, it's good to be reminded that families come together in different ways, BUT, more importantly, they're a family. Families are the fundamental building block of our society. The stronger our families, the stronger our nation. Children are our future regardless of race, culture, or celebrity status. Let's help them get a good start.

Motherhood: Priority on Possession or Being?

This topic applies to fatherhood as well, but since I'm a mom, I'll focus on motherhood.

Motherhood means different things to different people. For some it's HAVING children, for others it's BEING a mother. I find this distinction interesting because I care about kids. I care about their experience of life, I care about their health, and their happiness. I care about their security and their safety. I think all children deserve respect and should be able to live in a safe environment. Who has the most control over all of these fundamental factors? Mothers.

In the most general of categories, consider two types of mothers. The mothers who like HAVING children and the mothers who throughly enjoy BEING a mother. The differences are colossal.

Mothers whose priority is having children, treat children like possessions, and are fundamentally selfish. They only look to children to get something back. To get love, to get attention, to get respect, to feel complete, to belong, to 'feel normal.' Children are basically dolls in their eyes, not real people.

On the other hand, mothers who truly love BEING mothers, understand the complexity of guiding a person through to adulthood and rise to the challenge. A mother's approach sets the tone in a home, and can affect how secure a child feels in taking risks when they're out in the world. Children know when someone is being authentic with them and they know by the tone what the underlying message is. A child knows when they are truly loved and accepted for who they are. Part of being a mother is accepting your children for who they are and who they are not.

I think it's healthy to pause from time to time and think about what kind of mother I'm being and is it the kind of mother I want to be. I've realized that it's not any specific thing that I do or say to my girls, it's how I'm being in the background (that influences specific behaviours) that's important. How do my girls feel, when they think of me? How do your children feel when they think of you? Balance in the family is important, so I don't believe that children should be made to feel they walk on water or can do no wrong. It's important children understand that moms (and dads) have feelings and needs too. But these children are our next generation. They are our future citizens, why not try to enhance their experience, so that when they are parents they'll do the same for their children.

Whether you are a mother, or hoping to be one. Consider your priorities. Do you want to give love, or are you looking for love? The road of parenthood is incredibly bumpy, enjoy the smooth sections, because the bumps just keep coming. Be honest with yourself. Are you registering your child for a sport because you want to make friends, or are you doing it because your child is genuinely interested?

In the world of motherhood, it's not realistic to permanently place a person in one category or the other. We all have moments when we switch 'teams.' The important question is, who am I/are you being most of the time. Do you treat your child like a possession or like a person who's learning as she goes?

Live without regret. Be the mother you want to be, now.

Creating an Adoption Community for your kids... and YOU!

I've been thinking more and more about community. Whether you've experienced yoga or not you may have heard of the term 'namaste.' Namaste means 'we are all one' or we are all connected. If you stop and think about all of the communities you are a part of, you may be surprised how far reaching your communities are. Your family, work community, neighborhood community, friends, school, frequent shopping haunts, running group, biking group, sports teams, book club, and on and on it goes. We are all interconnected and ripples show their effects in one way or another.

I think it's very important to create an adoption community for kids who were adopted. It's nice to know there are other people who were adopted too, be it a neighbor, or a friend's cousin, etc. It's natural to seek out others who have similar experiences, it creates an opportunity to connect. Knowing others who have similar experiences also creates a sense of normalcy.

Our kids rely on us to create their environments, including the communities they are a part of. The friends we have, as parents, affect our childrens' friends. The communities we bring our children into, affects their experience and their perception of who they are and how they relate to the world around them. What role models do you hope your children will choose? Will any of those role models also live in their neighborhood? Will you be proactive in seeking out others to help your child improve their grades at school or improve their form for an upcoming dance competition? Will you seek others who share the experience of adoption to possibly help your child figure out what being adopted means to them? I think it would it be very valuable for my kids to be able to ask the advice of an adult who was adopted, to have such a trustworthy adult within my child's community would mean a great deal to me.

Communities don't just appear one day at your door step, they are created. There are people all around us, everyday, some we choose to interact with, some we don't. Communities are started by someone initiating contact, extending a smile, taking an interest in others, being open and inviting others in.

I don't consider myself to be particularily skilled at creating communities, but I aim to become better at it, because I'd like very much to create an adoption community for my kids. I'd like my girls to be able to go out into their neighborhood and know other people were adopted, just like them- be it their friend's dad, the previous owner of their house, a neighbor down the street or another kid at their school. I know if I was adopted, that would be important to me.

Be a leader in your community and create an adoption community for your kids too.