Parent - Child Relationships: Creating Deep Connections that Last

One of my goals as an adoptive mom is to take steps early on to ensure I have good relationships with my daughters. I feel like there's a vulnerability in not having biology in common. I also feel that my relationship with my daughters should be solid, so that if and when emotional ups and downs come and as they start to understand the adoption process more, that they will come to me with their questions.

I know I'll always be their mom, but I don't want to take that priviledge for granted.

So that begs the question, what makes for a quality relationship with your children? What are the key elements to create not just a bond, but a lasting, close bond that endures even once your children become adults? It's clear that relationships between parents and children change dramatically once the children become adults. What are the key elements in making sure the connection with your child continues to evolve as your child grows and develops?

I'm still searching for those answers. As a best guess, I'd include respect at all stages, and also fun and play. Humour is such a powerful tool to connect, but for some of us who grew up in ultra serious homes- that's often "easier said than done." I think if your child feels that you trust them and allow them to be as free as possible they will thoroughly appreciate that space for them to "grow in." Also, by giving them authentic attention, without being distracted, they'll know they can rely on you being there for them when they need you.

Not judging our kids and allowing them to be who they truly are, is a BIG one. This is a tough one, for many of the moms I've talked to regardless of whether they're children are biological or adopted. As parents we have hopes and dreams and expectations of who our children could be. As a mom of a 4 and a half year old and a 2 year old, I realize more and more that it's not about me. There are decisions I must let my girls make without me, so they get practice. Yes, they may fail, but they will learn more from those times than from success and it is only their personal experience that they will truly learn from.

Some of their decisions may embarass me, like choosing wierd outfits to wear to school and the like, but I feel it's more important that my girls get comfortable with making their own decisions, free of judgement, so they can be leaders in the future. If they aren't allowed the freedom to take risks as children, they will definitely not take risks as adults.

Positive communication patterns are so important as well. How does your child feel when they're having a conversation with you? Are they defensive most of the time? Do they expect a negative reaction? Are they relaxed? Does your child feel heard by you? These patterns of communication start when children are young and are a cornerstone in the foundation of your relationship with them. What can you do now to help with the communications patterns once your child becomes a teenager and their friends are much more dominant in their life?

Freedom, lack of judgment, fun, respect and positive communication patterns, I feel are key to building quality relationships with our kids. If you think I've missed something or have found something that works well with strengthening the bond with your child- please let me know!!

The Perfect Parent

Perfectionism. A badge of honour? A helpful motivator? Or an excuse to delay and avoid really living? I have always quite enjoyed being a perfectionist, I found it to be quite satisfying, likely because my maternal role model is a perfectionist as well.

I've found lately this idea of trying to be the perfect parent is just overwhelming. There is too much to take on, and not enough time to just be. I recently attended a workshop that linked perfectionism with anxiety. I was stunned at the correlation and didn't realize how many problems this affinity for perfectionism was causing me.

Being an adoptive parent, I want to be an excellent parent, if not perfect, to my girls to help prove my devotion and love to them and to help them know that they matter. They may have been adopted, but they matter to me. Is this too much to ask, when anxiety becomes difficult to control? I think so.

Life's funny. They say you get out of it, what you put into it, and sometimes, I feel I'm trying to put too much into it. Why is it so difficult to accept shortcomings? Whatever the answer, it doesn't really matter. What's more important is to model being comfortable with being imperfect, learning to laugh and make light of shortcomings. Those lessons will help children more as they grow, than trying to be perfect.

Another one of those Daily's

I've been getting to know some of the other parents in my neighborhood. There's one mom in particular who has a daughter the same age as my eldest. Our girls get along well, whenever they're together, which isn't very often.

This particular mom is pregnant and due in 3 more months. She's hinted at getting the girls getting together for a play date, but I've been avoiding the topic entirely. As, I'm sure with most women who are pregnant, she talks alot about being pregnant and what the delivery experience was like with her first daughter. I'll be more willing to get together, once her second child's been born. I love to talk about baby's!

Well, as anyone reading this blog would guess, since I'm an adoptive mom, I've never been pregnant. I have nothing to contribute to the conversation and furthermore, don't feel comfortable telling this woman in particular that we're an adoptive family. She talks alot and I don't trust that she'll keep it to herself if I told her.

I like the idea of maintaining control of who I tell about our family- though it may be unrealistic to think I can maintain control over the news. The reason I do this is because I feel that if I only tell people who I think will be respectful of the topic, then my girls are less likely to be hurt by an ignorant or rude comment.

My caution about who to tell what, brings to mind some questions about disclosure. Should I be more open? Am I being too careful? Will my girls understand and be cautious too, or will it make them feel like there's something wrong? Transracial families look different from one another, so there's no choosing, no option of privacy. Does that make it harder, but at the same time more honest, because it's more open?

I would love to hear feedback about what other adoptive families do. I plan to tell all of our close friends that we're an adoptive family. But when it comes to people I know in the neighborhood, or parents of children my child plays with, I just don't think everyone needs to know the ins and outs of my family. I don't care to know all the ins and outs of their's. It's my family and I'll say what I want to!!

Biological Siblings and Adoption

The topic of biological siblings is a complex one. What's the best way to introduce the concept of biological sisters to a child who was adopted? What is the best age to approach the topic? What choices in language will help your child understand the concept of biological sibling, while still maintaining focus on family and siblings within the adoptive family?

Every situation is so different. In my family, I have two daughters, so I would very much like the priority to be their sibling within our adoptive family. Biological siblings must be talked about, and I believe that it's up to the child to decide if they want to meet their biological siblings.

My current feeling is that it is best to talk about the birth lady first. We've talked to our eldest daughter about how we're an adoptive family and she came out of another lady's tummy. But her birth lady is also a parent now, so in the next year or so we'll need to talk to my daughter about birth lady's daughter. Is it wrong to leave out the part about a biological half sister? This is complicated stuff to a 4 year old. She's still developing the concept of family in her own mind. What does a mom do, what does a dad do, how do I interact with my sister? My daughter is clever, so in time I know she will put it together. But will she resent me for not laying it all out for her?

My other thought is that I'm just worrying too much, and that however I approach it, it'll all come out fine in the end. So long as I treat the topic with respect and follow my kids lead, it'll be okay. I'm so protective of my girls, I want to do my best to ease any emotional rough patches while my girls are learning just what it means to be a part of an adoptive family. I know I also have to learn to let go and to trust that all will be well. When they're older, they will go out and traverse the rest of their emotional journey on their own. Who knows, it may not be very emotional at all!!!

More Than Just a Movie Review ~ "Then She Found Me"

The movie, "Then She Found Me" is about a woman in her late thirties who is contacted by her biological mother. Helen Hunt plays April, the main character, and she is in the middle of a marriage break up at the time, so she is already very emotional. The biological mother, Bernice, played by Bette Midler, will not take no for an answer and is a tour de force in her own right. April is of course curious at first, but soon discovers that Bernice is quite a selfish woman and tries to sever the relationship. Bernice persists and they both work at the relationship so they're able to arrive at a place where it works for both of them. The movie is based on the book of the same title by Elinor Lipman.

April's adoptive mother has recently passed away, which makes things much less complicated for April and Bernice to work out the kinks in their rocky start of a relationship. April comes from a family where her brother was a biological son to their parents. She always felt she was different in the family because of that, even though her mother insists that parenting is the same for both a biological and a child who was adopted. April is not so sure.

April's biological clock is ticking and with the break up of her marriage she considers adopting, and is reluctant, but does so at the end of the movie. She seems to be quite happy as an adoptive mother.

In my research about the making of the movie, Helen Hunt, as the director maintains the primary theme of the movie is Betrayal. The main character is betrayed by her husband, since he cheats on her. She is "betrayed" by her birth mother, for making an adoption plan. There is a momentous scene in which April confronts Bernice and forces Bernice to admit that Bernice wanted a life more than she wanted April. This is the crux of the "adoption betrayal" in this movie.

This is a BIG question. As a biological mother, making an adoption plan, is that a betrayal to the child? No. Let's be honest. Women making adoption plans are nervous about their circumstances. Do they have enough support for the monumental task of parenting a child to adulthood? Financial support and emotional support? If they follow through with the adoption plan, the resounding answer is NO. They don't have enough support, they feel they won't be a good parent because of a lack of support. It is then a gift to the child to place him/her for adoption. The gift of a life.

A betrayal is for a selfish parent, single or married, to keep the child and never think for a minute what is best for the child. We all know this happens. This happens in rich and poor families. What is best for the child. The child should always be the focus. A betrayal is a single mother who decides to parent and has a string of live-in boyfriends which creates a very unstable environment for the child. Is a biological mother/father who is an addictive gambler/drug addict/alcoholic, someone who has betrayed their child? Absolutely. Is a parent who habitually physically abuses their child betraying their child? Definitely.

A betrayal is to make major decisions about the child's life, without keeping in mind the best interests of the child. Being a biological or an adoptive family, makes no difference.

A betrayal is also aborting a child. Never giving the child a chance to live. Who could that child have been? What would his/her dreams and hopes have been? Who would her friends have been? Who would he/she have influenced? Whose mother/father would she/he have been? This question is rarely raised. If I was adopted, I would definitely prefer being adopted over being aborted and never existing at all.

Who has asked biological children if they WISH they had been adopted into a different family? Children living in crack houses or in families where a biological father or uncle is sexually abusing them. Children who know their parents don't care about them. They don't feel cherished. They don't feel loved. For the 18 years of bad parenting, these children feel lost for the rest of their lives. They may live til they're 90 or longer. The betrayal sits at the core of their very being and is with them everyday.

In conclusion, I hope I've made it obvious that I strongly disagree with Helen Hunt's premise that placing a child for adoption is a betrayal. Making an adoption plan is one of the most loving, selfless things a person can do. It takes courage and I hope birth mothers are proud of themselves for doing so. They put the child first, we should all be grateful.

It's a Daily

Here's another daily. I was chatting with another mom the other day. We were talking about toddler tantrums, when she asked me if I was pregnant with my second child when my eldest daughter was throwing such intense tantrums. I was stunned. No one had ever asked me that before. I tried to quickly do the math in my head but it wasn't coming quickly. At what age would my eldest daughter have been if I would have been pregnant with my second? Since both of my daughters were adopted, I've never been pregnant. In the heat of the moment, after a pause, I just said it wasn't an issue. Clearly I didn't have any problems with handling my eldest child because of being uncomfortably pregnant. For that I can be thankful, as my daughter had some very intense tantrums before the age of 2. I found it difficult enough to handle the tantrums, let alone being in the midst of an uncomfortable stage of pregnancy. The conversation moved on and away from pregnancy after that. I didn't feel the need to mention we're an adoptive family- I just met the woman!!

There have been times when moms I've just met have asked me about being pregnant or breastfeeding. The questions catch me off-guard and I seem to find a way to be vague and somehow answer the question and then change the subject. People don't seem to probe too much, because you just never know the reason why someone doesn't want to talk about a personal issue. It is after all, a personal issue. I'd imagine as the girls get older, I will tend to meet other parents whose children are older as well and perhaps these pregnancy questions won't come up. It'll likely be something else by then, just to keep me on my toes!!

New York Times

I stumbled across an adoption blog on the New York Times website. The contributors for the most part seem to be honest and insightful. Their focus, as with mine, is to find what is best for children who don't have families. Have a read and decide for yourself...

http://relativechoices.blogs.nytimes.com/