More Than Just a Movie Review ~ "Then She Found Me"

The movie, "Then She Found Me" is about a woman in her late thirties who is contacted by her biological mother. Helen Hunt plays April, the main character, and she is in the middle of a marriage break up at the time, so she is already very emotional. The biological mother, Bernice, played by Bette Midler, will not take no for an answer and is a tour de force in her own right. April is of course curious at first, but soon discovers that Bernice is quite a selfish woman and tries to sever the relationship. Bernice persists and they both work at the relationship so they're able to arrive at a place where it works for both of them. The movie is based on the book of the same title by Elinor Lipman.

April's adoptive mother has recently passed away, which makes things much less complicated for April and Bernice to work out the kinks in their rocky start of a relationship. April comes from a family where her brother was a biological son to their parents. She always felt she was different in the family because of that, even though her mother insists that parenting is the same for both a biological and a child who was adopted. April is not so sure.

April's biological clock is ticking and with the break up of her marriage she considers adopting, and is reluctant, but does so at the end of the movie. She seems to be quite happy as an adoptive mother.

In my research about the making of the movie, Helen Hunt, as the director maintains the primary theme of the movie is Betrayal. The main character is betrayed by her husband, since he cheats on her. She is "betrayed" by her birth mother, for making an adoption plan. There is a momentous scene in which April confronts Bernice and forces Bernice to admit that Bernice wanted a life more than she wanted April. This is the crux of the "adoption betrayal" in this movie.

This is a BIG question. As a biological mother, making an adoption plan, is that a betrayal to the child? No. Let's be honest. Women making adoption plans are nervous about their circumstances. Do they have enough support for the monumental task of parenting a child to adulthood? Financial support and emotional support? If they follow through with the adoption plan, the resounding answer is NO. They don't have enough support, they feel they won't be a good parent because of a lack of support. It is then a gift to the child to place him/her for adoption. The gift of a life.

A betrayal is for a selfish parent, single or married, to keep the child and never think for a minute what is best for the child. We all know this happens. This happens in rich and poor families. What is best for the child. The child should always be the focus. A betrayal is a single mother who decides to parent and has a string of live-in boyfriends which creates a very unstable environment for the child. Is a biological mother/father who is an addictive gambler/drug addict/alcoholic, someone who has betrayed their child? Absolutely. Is a parent who habitually physically abuses their child betraying their child? Definitely.

A betrayal is to make major decisions about the child's life, without keeping in mind the best interests of the child. Being a biological or an adoptive family, makes no difference.

A betrayal is also aborting a child. Never giving the child a chance to live. Who could that child have been? What would his/her dreams and hopes have been? Who would her friends have been? Who would he/she have influenced? Whose mother/father would she/he have been? This question is rarely raised. If I was adopted, I would definitely prefer being adopted over being aborted and never existing at all.

Who has asked biological children if they WISH they had been adopted into a different family? Children living in crack houses or in families where a biological father or uncle is sexually abusing them. Children who know their parents don't care about them. They don't feel cherished. They don't feel loved. For the 18 years of bad parenting, these children feel lost for the rest of their lives. They may live til they're 90 or longer. The betrayal sits at the core of their very being and is with them everyday.

In conclusion, I hope I've made it obvious that I strongly disagree with Helen Hunt's premise that placing a child for adoption is a betrayal. Making an adoption plan is one of the most loving, selfless things a person can do. It takes courage and I hope birth mothers are proud of themselves for doing so. They put the child first, we should all be grateful.

It's a Daily

Here's another daily. I was chatting with another mom the other day. We were talking about toddler tantrums, when she asked me if I was pregnant with my second child when my eldest daughter was throwing such intense tantrums. I was stunned. No one had ever asked me that before. I tried to quickly do the math in my head but it wasn't coming quickly. At what age would my eldest daughter have been if I would have been pregnant with my second? Since both of my daughters were adopted, I've never been pregnant. In the heat of the moment, after a pause, I just said it wasn't an issue. Clearly I didn't have any problems with handling my eldest child because of being uncomfortably pregnant. For that I can be thankful, as my daughter had some very intense tantrums before the age of 2. I found it difficult enough to handle the tantrums, let alone being in the midst of an uncomfortable stage of pregnancy. The conversation moved on and away from pregnancy after that. I didn't feel the need to mention we're an adoptive family- I just met the woman!!

There have been times when moms I've just met have asked me about being pregnant or breastfeeding. The questions catch me off-guard and I seem to find a way to be vague and somehow answer the question and then change the subject. People don't seem to probe too much, because you just never know the reason why someone doesn't want to talk about a personal issue. It is after all, a personal issue. I'd imagine as the girls get older, I will tend to meet other parents whose children are older as well and perhaps these pregnancy questions won't come up. It'll likely be something else by then, just to keep me on my toes!!

New York Times

I stumbled across an adoption blog on the New York Times website. The contributors for the most part seem to be honest and insightful. Their focus, as with mine, is to find what is best for children who don't have families. Have a read and decide for yourself...

http://relativechoices.blogs.nytimes.com/

Shout out to Birth Moms Everywhere- Thank you!

I haven't done this enough, and that is to thank birth mothers/birth ladies/bmoms- thank you ALL! Of all ages, all races, in all countries, in all situations, thank you, thank you, thank you! I cannot even begin to comprehend how difficult it must have been to feel a child grow in you for 9 months, experience the miracle of life and then make a choice to not parent. The pain of not knowing if or how or when you may see that precious, amazing little miracle again must be almost unbearable. I can only imagine it being the equivalent of choosing to have your heart taken out and residing outside your body.

We know you are doing the best you can. We know you are trying. We know you just want the best for this child and you are their hero. You really are. As a birth mother, you should be proud that you made a difficult choice and you put someone else's needs before your own. That is what a hero does.

Heroes aren't perfect, no one is. Just know that you have made a difference in the world by your selfless act. Your biological child is in a stable loving home, and because you were responsbile enough to make an adoption plan, you have helped a child feel more secure because they are in a two parent home with lots of love and support.

It's easy to be selfish, especially these days. You have helped a couple grow a family, something they wouldn't normally be able to do. That is a miracle, in and of itself! You have done your best to care for this child, by finding someone else who will be better able to take care of this child.

Adoption is sometimes complicated, but it is also a gift. It is a gift of reaching out into the world and helping others. It is a gift of peering deep within our souls to discover who we really are. It is a gift of knowing we all have imperfections and none of us are perfect but because we're trying to do better, it will be okay. We are human, and this is life. Helping children is the priority. Let's help each other.

Adoption Can Stop Family Cycles

Pardon the humour in the picture juxtaposed with the topic of this blog. I'm having a little pictorial fun, with a rather serious topic. A "family cycle" on a bike versus the behavioural and genetic cycles of biological families.

In any case, there are many ways in which adoption can interrupt destructive family cycles and this is a very good thing. Be it alcoholism, disorders with genetic predispositions or just plain bad behaviour that's passed onto the next generation. Adoption can interupt the cycle so the family can then have other, more healthy options for the next generation.

I participated in an art therapy workshop. I sat beside an interesting woman who spoke about her biological son who was autistic. She was very interested in adopting because she wanted another child, but couldn't handle another autistic child. She and her husband had the genetic predisposition to most likely create another autistic child. She said she had to quit her job to manage her son's disability full time. He had a team working with him to try and keep up with his peers as best as possible. She seemed exhausted physically and emotionally with the demands of working with these challenges.

She looked to adoption as her salvation of sorts. This experience was an eye opener for me. Reminding me to always keep things in perspective. Biology is not always your friend.

I find as an adoptive parent, I'm more thoughtful about what's best for my kids. What can me and my husband do more of, less of, to be better parents. I believe we have more empathy for our kids, because we also have experienced loss and therefore want to be better and do better for our kids.

I think about my own childhood and what molded me and what characteristics I would like to change in myself so my girls have a stronger, healthier role model to look up to. Honestly, kids rarely listen to what we're saying, but they often mimick what we do. This is what shapes them. As the old saying goes "actions speak louder than words," this can work for us, or against us.

I am changing myself and am doing better, and the best motivation is to do it for my kids. Perspective is everything, you create your own reality, and the reality of your kids.

When I sometimes worry about any bumps my daughters will have along the adoption road, I think of a quote from Helen Keller. "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthed, vision cleared, ambition and success achieved." The struggle may be difficult, but it builds a stronger person with greater depth of character. The kind of person who would be a great daughter(/son), friend, or spouse.

"Birth mom" versus "Birth lady"

Here I go again opening my big mouth. But that's what blogs are about aren't they?

In previous posts I've mentioned how extremely powerful language choices are when speaking to a young child in particular. Think for a minute, that you are a child (ie. 5 yrs and under) and you accept whatever your parents say, must be true.

As a child, listening to your parents, whom you spend ALL your time with and you rely on them for every basic need, from comfort to food, to having fun. You hear your parents talking about the other mother that you have, the birth mother. This mother is different from your mother though. You may never have met her, you may not even know what she looks like, you don't know her very well at all. Yet she is your other mother. Well, what is a mother? What does a mother do? How does a mother make you feel?

The word "Mother" is such a powerful word, most of us take for granted what it means. When you are a young child, your mother is your world. So to find out that there is another mother of yours out there whom you may or may not have even met, means alot to a child who is adopted and would be confusing.

This is why I've chosen to use the term "birth lady" with my girls when referring to their biological mother. I'll only use this term when they are young, so they understand the adoption process and who's involved, a little easier. The ins and outs of adoption are kinda complicated. When my kids are older, such as 9 or 10 years old, they can call their biological mothers whatever they want. "Birth mom", "bio mom", just the bio mom's name, whatever they choose is fine. By that age, their brains are developed enough to truly understand what being adopted means. It's during these early years, I'm trying to lessen the confusion for them.

Let's look at the flip side, because I'm all about opposing view points. One of my friends thinks I'm being selfish because I'm choosing to use the term birth lady instead of birth mother. Am I being selfish? Is this all about me? If this were all about me, I'd insist they always refer to their birth lady as the birth lady and never make any reference to her being their mother. They do share DNA with their biological mother. But does getting pregnant automatically mean you get to be called mother if you choose not to parent?

Is a mother a person you have a relationship with? Is a mother someone you share DNA with? In biological families it's both, but not in adoptive families. These are complicated issues, why place the burden on a young child to sort it out? They will have plenty of time when they're older and understand more, to debate this within themselves.

In the meantime, think about what's best for your adoptive family. So for today, think about your choices in language from your kids point of view and do what's best for them. And that's all I have to say about that: )

P.S. I've focussed on the word "mother" in this article mainly because birth mom is used more than birth dad, because often the birth dad's aren't in the picture.

The Openness Conundrum

I recently received a letter from one of my girl's biological mothers. I appreciate her keeping in touch, as it will show my little girl, when she grows up, that her biological mother cared enough to keep in touch and is genuinely interested in finding out, how she is doing.

There were however a few things in the letter that inspired some questions. The first was that her birth lady continues to call her by her middle name (the one her birth lady chose), not her first name that we gave her. So I wonder, will this bother my little girl when she's old enough to read these letters?

The second is that in the letters, her birth lady continues to refer to the biological father as if they are in a stable relationship, which we were told, they are not. That is the reason an adoption plan was made for our little girl, is because she was (as are most adoptive children) born into a situation where the biological mother wasn't capable of raising her by herself, mainly because of the instability of the relationship with bio dad. Will this also be confusing for my little girl when she is older?

My third concern involves some pictures that the birth lady sent. In one picture her birth lady is sitting in a sports car. We were told that another reason why the birth lady made an adoption plan is she didn't have a sufficient income to support a child on her own. Then why is she sitting in a sports car? I'm very sure the sports car isn't hers. I'm sure she thought the picture was fun and that's why she sent it, but it's confusing for a child who's been adopted to deal with an inconsistency such as this.

I often think about what I can do to make this easier for my girls, I'm careful with my language choices, I have a few books in the house about adoption and adoptive families. Whenever a question comes up, I answer it as honest and best I can in a respectful manner, taking in to consideration the age of the child posing the question.

My question is, are biological parents as careful? It's difficult to generalize. But honestly, most often children who are adopted are rescued from rough situations involving dysfunctional people. People who are not capable of providing adequate parenting for a child. Does it serve the child well to constantly be reminded of that dysfunction by maintaining a completely open adoption throughout the child's early life?

I believe wholeheartedly that there are open adoptions where everyone is benefitting from the visits. But are they the minority or the majority? Has any research been done on that? Why do the social workers and adoption agencies BLINDLY promote open adoptions without taking into consideration the needs of those involved on a case by case basis?

Openness should evolve as the parties get to know each other and trust is built. The primary directive should always be what is best for the CHILD. I understand that many birth ladies are eager to maintain a relationship because they are genuinely concerned about the child and let's be honest, it helps alleviate the guilt/shame that they chose not to parent. But this is only partially about the birth ladies. The children must be the priority.

I know this is likely contraversial, but I believe that pictures and letters are sufficient for openess for most adoptions (again if all parties are eager for a full on open adoption and it's working out- great!). Home movie DVDs are great to send to birth ladies as well- a nice to have. I think that having visits with the biological family is confusing for children when they are young. Think of the power of the word "mother." Then think of how confused you would be if you were a child and you knew who your mother was (she lives with you everyday), but then someone else said you have another mother, but she was a stranger to you?

Once the adopted child comes to an age, such as 18, when they have formed their own self-identity and have emotional maturity, then I would want them to meet with their biological families, if they so chose. It should be their own choice, because this is part of their past, their story, their life, they should get to control it.

The adoption process is supposed to focus on the child and find the best situation for them, let's make sure it truly is the best for them.