Adoption Reunions

I've been reading blogs about adoptees experiences with reuniting with their biological family. It's heartbreaking. I hope there are some more positive stories out there, but the ones I read a just so sad.

Adoptees looking to reunite with bio relatives are naturally curious about the family they were born into. I'd imagine it's natural to have great expectations and be excited about knowing your full history.

Expectations really are at the centre of this type of event. Fantasies of the perfect parent-child relationship create such high expectations it would be difficult to meet.

I still think adoptees should have the power to decide if and when they will meet their biological family. Biology is a science, relationships are a much more complicated matter entirely. My wish is for peace, and respect for all.

Conversation with a Child Psychiatrist

I'm fortunate to have befriended a child psychiatrist. What makes her very special to me is her knowledge of child development as well as her indepth knowledge of the adoption world, since two of her siblings were adopted. I recently spoke with her about my concern with showing my eldest daughter the picture of her birth mother and biological sister. She agreed with me and thought it best to show my daughter the picture. She also mentioned that it's important to build an honest foundation with my daughter, so she never feels that we lied to her or purposely with held anything from her. If we build a foundation of trust now, she will come to us with questions and concerns in the future, and not just regarding adoption issues. It all comes back to respect, being respectful and feeling respected. Isn't that what we all want?

Mothering 101

Today was just an ordinary day, as some would say. There's just a few more weeks left until summer is over, the routine returns and summer days will become recent history. It was unlike your typical summer day though, in that it was pouring with rain. What to do, what to do, the house looks like a bomb went off and two sisters just want to compete for their mother's attention and play. We didn't bake, there wasn't enough available counter space in the kitchen. We didn't do laundry, which is what I knew needed to be done. We played with playdough. It did make a tremendous mess, as I predicted, but we did laugh alot too and we surprised ourselves. My youngest was thrilled with an elephant and added four legs to make a six legged elephant. My eldest made an elaborate birthday cake that doubled as a hat. All in all, a great day!

Complications in Adoption

Relationships in adoption can be complicated. Recently my daughter asked what her birth mother looks like. My husband described her appearance but didn't offer to show her a picture, because he wasn't sure if we had one. He told me about their conversation later in the day. We do have one picture of her birth mother, I've asked for more pictures, but this particular birth mother only sent one. It's a picture that has the birth mother's second biological child on her lap. The birth mother decided to parent her second biological child. My husband and I have been talking about what we should do.

We're concerned that our daughter may feel rejected because her birth mother chose to keep her second child. We also wonder how she will react to finding out she has a biological (half) sister. Will that knowledge change the relationship she has with her sister within our adoptive family? Will she want to meet her birth mother and bio sister once she sees a picture of them and it all becomes much more real for her? Is she ready to handles the intense emotions that comes with meeting a birth mother and biological sister? She's already a very emotional 7 year old girl. She's very bright too and already understands that her birth mother was her mother for a short time.

Ultimately we know we will show her the picture. We have no right to withold any information about her past. I would never want her to resent us. I don't think she's ready to read letter from her birth mother. When she's older, I'll tell her we can read them together. The picture, and the letters are part of her story of where she came from and who she is. It wouldn't be fair to keep them from her, I just want to make sure that we present them when the time is right.

Kung Fu Panda 2 Review

We went to the movies recently and saw Kung Fu Panda 2. The movie is very entertaining and has a positive message. I didn't expect the overwhelming adoption theme that is center stage in the movie. Early in the movie, Po, the Kung Fu Panda, begins to wonder about his story. He asks his adoptive father, Duck, where he was born and how he came to the Noodle House. Duck recalls a story of a little panda tucked into a radish crate. Duck took in Po as his son and raised him. Po is troubled about his past and continues to search for answers. He begins to have flashbacks and realizes that his biological parents loved him, but their lives were threatened and that is why his biological mother placed him in a radish crate on a cart bound for the city, in hopes his life would be spared. Po comes to find peace with his past and embraces Duck as his father.

I wish I would have previewed this movie first before seeing it with my kids! I don't think I would have shown my kids this movie had I known the language in the movie would be so confusing. Po refers to his Panda parents as his "real" mom and dad. He's upset that he was abandoned in a radish crate and left all by himself.

My eldest daughter was very emotional for 2 days after watching this movie, and I wondered how it was affecting her. I decided to sit down and read "Tell Me Again about the Night I was Born" by Jamie Lee Curtis. After reading the book I told each of my girls their adoption stories and how an adoption plan was made and their birth mother(s) chose us to be their parents. My daughters enjoyed hearing their stories and we continued on with the rest of our day. Later in the day, I made a point of telling my eldest daughter that movies are not good sources of adoption information. The next day, all was well again!

When Kung Fu Panda 3 comes out, my husband and I have decided to preview the movie first before taking our kids to see the movie. There was a hint, in this movie that the biological panda father would come looking for Po. I'm curious how the topic will be handled in the movie. I'll be interested in how they handle the topic of biology vs. adoptive family. Will they be balanced- or will there be a bias toward biology as there often is in the media. I know movies are meant to be entertaining, but I wish that they would be respectful when they take on subject matter that is very real to some of their audience members.

The Gift of An Ordinary Day

I'm feeling very lucky to be a mom today. As an adoptive mom I really am fortunate to be a mom, because other infertile couples still wait for children to join them. Being a parent is a priviledge, we're moulding the next generation of our society. Kids aren't just kids, they're people too. As they look back on their childhood, they'll likely have some specific memories. Most important of all, how will they feel, when they think back on their childhood? Did they feel as though they were a gift? I certainly am not advocating to spoil your children, they inherently know when they are being treated fairly or when they've pushed it too far. In those ordinary days, did they feel seen and heard? Did someone feel they were important enough to stop, look, listen and be present to who they are and what they had to say? I want my children to feel they matter.

Our children only live with us for a short time. They grow up, move out, and create their own families. While mine live with me, I want to appreciate every day, the special and the ordinary.

Here's an inspirational video:
http://vimeo.com/8054255

"Teen Mom" TV Show~ Glorification or Reality Check?

I watched an episode of the Teen Mom TV show on the Much Music channel. I was interested in watching it because I heard that a teenage couple on the show made an adoption plan for their biological baby and I was curious about how the show handled the topic of adoption.

I thought the topic of adoption was handled respectfully and honestly on the episode that I saw. The teenage couple mentioned that though they missed their biological daughter, they were thrilled with the parents they chose to be her parents. They get to see her once per year on her birthday and look forward to seeing her. The teenage couple knew they weren't ready to be parents and are proud of their decision. I was really glad they were on the TV show, as an example of what the adoption process is like these days. It's my hope that more teen moms will be better educated about adoption as an option so they will include it in their decision-making process.

It was clear in the "Teen Mom" TV show that all of the teenage parents were having some difficulty in balancing being a parent with developing stable relationships and finishing school. In my opinion, it showed how difficult it is to be a teenage parent, and any pregnant teens watching the show would get a reality check. However, in speaking with another adoptive mom, she thought the teen mom's were glorified in the show, they are after all, becoming celebrities just because they are on the TV show.

All I know is, more information is a good thing. Realistically, adoption rates will likely continue without change. Pregnant teens will weigh their options as they always have. They will consider how much support they feel they will need and most likely receive as a parent regardless of what they see on TV. After all, it doesn't feel real, until it's happening to you.

Even Santa Claus!

Happy Holidays Everyone! Best Wishes for a Peaceful and Healthy New Year!

I had to chuckle over the holidays about one particular visit to see Santa Claus. My girls are still young enough to be smitten with the Man in Red, so we go to see him as often as we can. This year one of the Santa's we visited with had one look at my daughters and asked if they were sisters. Of course they are! Just not in the way people usually assume- they're not biological sisters. Most Santa's we've seen may have noticed the same thing (my daughters look nothing alike), but they were wise enough to bite their tongue- especially being "Santa Claus!"

In any case, I hope your holiday travels bring you safely home. All the best from me and mine to you and yours!

These are the Trials of Life

I've been reading stories about adoption experiences, particularly adoptees who are angry and bitter. I don't understand their pain. Nor do they understand mine. These are the trials of life. Feeling as though one is displaced without roots, feeling rejected, asking why me. It's not fair. Why? I used to wonder why was I not allowed to experience the joys of pregnancy. Sometimes I still wonder, will my daughter have a better relationship with her birthmother than she does with me? Why can't it be easy. Why can't it be simple. Why can't it be better than it is.

Because these are the trials of life. These are the bumps in the road that we all live with in these days of ours. Why stop asking why, with adoption? Why do some people get cancer or Aids or suddenly die of a heart attack? Why are some involved in a tragic accident leaving them paralyzed? Why are children abducted and sold into slavery? Why did the tsunami kill so many people and leave others half-dead, homeless and hungry? Millions of people.

Why?

Is anyone immune? No. Some coast through pretty well, for awhile if they're lucky, but the bumps come and sometimes they're so big, you'll feel displaced for awhile.

What we're left with is, how do we choose to react to the trials of life. Anger can lead to action, which can be helpful. Peace, another choice. What is our experience of life through these trials? Does worrying help? Does resentment help? How do you choose to live your life? Does it mean anything? What gives your life meaning, and does it also give you joy?

Whatever your calling, whatever your trial, my hope is that you find a space created by you and just for you, that you can call your own and you can claim your peace and joy or whatever other emotion helps you feel settled, and resolute, amidst the trials of life.

Celebrity Adoptions

If I were an alien peering from outer space and used magazine covers to figure 'us' out, I'd conclude that adopting is popular among our species. There have been alot of headlines capturing adoptions by celebrities. Transracial celebrity adoptions in particular have received alot of attention the past few years. From Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt adopting children from Cambodia (Maddox), Africa (Zahara), and Vietnam (Pax), to Madonna adopting a child from Africa (David Banda), and the latest news, Sandra Bullock adopting Louis (isn't he darling?) from New Orleans.

My hope is that all of this attention will underline a recurring theme, which is families don't always look alike, but they are families, so get used to it. Regardless of race or colour, a family is a collection of souls abiding together. To spend any time or give any attention to race, or colour is focussing on the superficial. Unfortunately many people in our culture are superficial, that is a reality. It's not just superficiality, but also a matter of exposure. How many transracial families live in your neighborhood? How often do you see a transracial family when your out and about? These days we're seeing more and more and I think the more the better.

Whether it's a picture on a magazine cover or a family in your neighborhood, it's good to be reminded that families come together in different ways, BUT, more importantly, they're a family. Families are the fundamental building block of our society. The stronger our families, the stronger our nation. Children are our future regardless of race, culture, or celebrity status. Let's help them get a good start.

Motherhood: Priority on Possession or Being?

This topic applies to fatherhood as well, but since I'm a mom, I'll focus on motherhood.

Motherhood means different things to different people. For some it's HAVING children, for others it's BEING a mother. I find this distinction interesting because I care about kids. I care about their experience of life, I care about their health, and their happiness. I care about their security and their safety. I think all children deserve respect and should be able to live in a safe environment. Who has the most control over all of these fundamental factors? Mothers.

In the most general of categories, consider two types of mothers. The mothers who like HAVING children and the mothers who throughly enjoy BEING a mother. The differences are colossal.

Mothers whose priority is having children, treat children like possessions, and are fundamentally selfish. They only look to children to get something back. To get love, to get attention, to get respect, to feel complete, to belong, to 'feel normal.' Children are basically dolls in their eyes, not real people.

On the other hand, mothers who truly love BEING mothers, understand the complexity of guiding a person through to adulthood and rise to the challenge. A mother's approach sets the tone in a home, and can affect how secure a child feels in taking risks when they're out in the world. Children know when someone is being authentic with them and they know by the tone what the underlying message is. A child knows when they are truly loved and accepted for who they are. Part of being a mother is accepting your children for who they are and who they are not.

I think it's healthy to pause from time to time and think about what kind of mother I'm being and is it the kind of mother I want to be. I've realized that it's not any specific thing that I do or say to my girls, it's how I'm being in the background (that influences specific behaviours) that's important. How do my girls feel, when they think of me? How do your children feel when they think of you? Balance in the family is important, so I don't believe that children should be made to feel they walk on water or can do no wrong. It's important children understand that moms (and dads) have feelings and needs too. But these children are our next generation. They are our future citizens, why not try to enhance their experience, so that when they are parents they'll do the same for their children.

Whether you are a mother, or hoping to be one. Consider your priorities. Do you want to give love, or are you looking for love? The road of parenthood is incredibly bumpy, enjoy the smooth sections, because the bumps just keep coming. Be honest with yourself. Are you registering your child for a sport because you want to make friends, or are you doing it because your child is genuinely interested?

In the world of motherhood, it's not realistic to permanently place a person in one category or the other. We all have moments when we switch 'teams.' The important question is, who am I/are you being most of the time. Do you treat your child like a possession or like a person who's learning as she goes?

Live without regret. Be the mother you want to be, now.

Creating an Adoption Community for your kids... and YOU!

I've been thinking more and more about community. Whether you've experienced yoga or not you may have heard of the term 'namaste.' Namaste means 'we are all one' or we are all connected. If you stop and think about all of the communities you are a part of, you may be surprised how far reaching your communities are. Your family, work community, neighborhood community, friends, school, frequent shopping haunts, running group, biking group, sports teams, book club, and on and on it goes. We are all interconnected and ripples show their effects in one way or another.

I think it's very important to create an adoption community for kids who were adopted. It's nice to know there are other people who were adopted too, be it a neighbor, or a friend's cousin, etc. It's natural to seek out others who have similar experiences, it creates an opportunity to connect. Knowing others who have similar experiences also creates a sense of normalcy.

Our kids rely on us to create their environments, including the communities they are a part of. The friends we have, as parents, affect our childrens' friends. The communities we bring our children into, affects their experience and their perception of who they are and how they relate to the world around them. What role models do you hope your children will choose? Will any of those role models also live in their neighborhood? Will you be proactive in seeking out others to help your child improve their grades at school or improve their form for an upcoming dance competition? Will you seek others who share the experience of adoption to possibly help your child figure out what being adopted means to them? I think it would it be very valuable for my kids to be able to ask the advice of an adult who was adopted, to have such a trustworthy adult within my child's community would mean a great deal to me.

Communities don't just appear one day at your door step, they are created. There are people all around us, everyday, some we choose to interact with, some we don't. Communities are started by someone initiating contact, extending a smile, taking an interest in others, being open and inviting others in.

I don't consider myself to be particularily skilled at creating communities, but I aim to become better at it, because I'd like very much to create an adoption community for my kids. I'd like my girls to be able to go out into their neighborhood and know other people were adopted, just like them- be it their friend's dad, the previous owner of their house, a neighbor down the street or another kid at their school. I know if I was adopted, that would be important to me.

Be a leader in your community and create an adoption community for your kids too.

Nosey Questions from other Adoptive Parents

We attended an event recently that was organized by the adoption agency we used for our eldest daughter's adoption. We are very appreciative that this agency takes the time and puts the energy into bringing adoptive families together.

Something happened that took us by surprise, considering we were with other adoptive families, some transracial, and some not. One of the adoptive parents in the group asked if one of our kids was biological. I was very surprised to hear this, especially considering we were at an adoptive family event. Both of our kids are caucasian, as are my husband and myself. Yes, our daughters look different, they were both adopted. Why is it that someone would feel the need to ask if one was biological?

Yes, I realize I am venting, but I am still stunned since the comment was made my another adoptive parent, who should have known that wasn't even possible, especially considering the current cultural norms.

The chance of a family who already has a biological child then being chosen for a local adoption is about a million to one. How many birth mothers do you know would choose a family when they knew there was already a biological child in the family?

Light bulb just went off. I just realized they may have thought that I had become pregnant after the first adoption. Well that wasn't the case, I've never been pregnant.

It's a pet peeve of mine, and I'm sure of many other adoptive parents when complete strangers ask nosey questions about my family. If other adoptive parents have experienced this, why aren't they more sensitive, or at least more tactful?

No one's perfect, but when it comes to being nosey about other people's families- think before you speak!!

Openness in Adoptions Today

Openness in adoptions is a hot topic in the adoption world today. For those of you new to this topic, 'openness' refers to the level of contact an adoptive family has with the birth families. What I find interesting is the current trend in local adoptions is to be as open as possible. At least, it feels as though this is the case in the area we live. If your children were adopted locally, the assumption is that you have an open relationship with your child's birth family and visit with them regularly, or at least periodically. Phone numbers and addresses are exchanged so that biological relatives can contact the adoptive family whenever they like and vice versa.

This is the exact opposite of what happened 20-30 years ago. All adoptions were 'closed' adoptions, in which the adoptive families did not know the names, phones numbers or addresses of the birth parents. I can understand wanting to have some information and I can understand why some people like to build relationships with the biological parents of their child, who was adopted.

What bothers me is the 'assumption' that you will have an open relationship with the biological mother/father. Last I checked Canada, and the US were free countries, in which we value free choice. I don't like band wagons, I think they are dangerous.

The assumption that you will have an open relationship with the birth mother assumes that the birth mother will be a positive influence in your child's life.

That's an extra large assumption. Let's remember, there are many different reasons for a woman to make an adoption plan for a child. Sometimes it's situational, sometimes, it's because the woman knows she won't be a very good mother. She's a hero to then find the child a good home, and to acknowledge her shortcomings. But, she may not be respectful, or helpful or even considerate, everyone is different. You can't assume.

Let's take a minute to consider adoptive parents. People who can't biologically pro-create. People who are contributing citizens and will raise healthy, happy citizens who will contribute to society. I feel adoptive parents are under appreciated in today's adoptive world. Adoptive parents who think independently and don't follow trends are even less appreciated. "Why aren't you doing what everyone else does?" Is the impression I get when around social workers and other parents in the adoptive circle.

I think life in general, but adoption in particular is about choice, and about putting choice back into the hands of the little one who had no choice. What about the child who was adopted, do they get a choice in any of this? No contact with birth mother, as it was 20 years ago, made it difficult for those who wanted contact. Now the trend has flip flopped, so everyone should be open and create one big happy family. Who's making these decisions, certainly, not the child. Assumptions were made, about what is best. Assumptions.

What about stability? What about simplicity? What about families who are complicated enough without adding additional complications such as biological families? What about building a secure, loving family, with a strong sense of who you are within that family? What about personal choice?

What about letting your child grow in a family knowing he/she was adopted, and once she's old enough (9 or 10 yrs) to understand what adoption means, allowing her to choose if she wants contact with her biological parents? What about protecting your child from possible upset by careless comments from biological relatives, when you, as a parent has been so careful about choices in language, to ensure your child feels respected and special?

Isn't this your child's story? Is it ever safe to assume what anyone else wants? Isn't it always better to ask, especially when the topic is so important?

There's a saying, that says, "Never assume," for good reason.

I'm not saying being open in adoptions is bad. I just think that some prospective adoptive parents may be figuring out that there's a bit of a game when filling out the adoption application. If you say you're interested in an open adoption, you are more likely to be picked by a birth mother. Semi-open is also an option, but not as popular these days, in which you know the first name, not last name of the birth mother. You can communicate by letter through the adoption agency, but no phone numbers or addresses are exchanged. Of course, you need to be honest and have integrity and follow through with your application submission. Semi-open adoptions can give you time to get to know the biological mother and determine her stability and life philosophies, and whether or not she would be a positive influence in your child's life.

There are biological family members, that we are no longer in contact with, because they were mean spirited, and we were very concerned they would be disrespectful towards our daughters, because they were adopted. I feel children deserve that kind of protection. I will protect my children from any person who is a negative influence, whether the person is biologically related or not.

I respect my children's choices, I will not assume, I will ask what they want. This is their story, not mine. I will not let a social worker bully me into making assumptions. I stand against the trends, I protect my child's right choose.

A Response to Landmark Education Concerns

Landmark Education. Those two words create a lot of very different reactions, ranging from extraordinarily positive to hopelessly negative.

This blog is a response to a reader's comment on my first blog regarding Landmark, "Landmark Education for Kids."

I wrote the first blog soon after I completed the Landmark Forum, which is the first course. I was on cloud nine and revelling in my new ultra-positive perspective of my life. I felt, for the first time in my life, I could create any experience, because I had new tools in my tool belt and I was excited about creating better relationships with my friends and family and also to live in a more peaceful, happy, way of being.

I have found that I am more peaceful, content, and powerful, since taking 3 Landmark courses. Am I perfect? No. Do I want to be perfect anymore? No, definitely not.

Anyone, who takes any sort of self-help course, will get different things out of the experience. I consider myself to be a fair, well-balanced person, willing to look at both sides of any issue, before making a well researched decision. I have no regrets about taking the Landmark courses I have completed. I have learned ALOT from them, and I continue to benefit daily, from the principles and philosphies I've taken in from my Landmark experiences.

Having said that, I can understand how people are turned off of Landmark courses, when they see people they know become arrogant or judgemental and think everyone should take Landmark courses. Please understand, this is not everyone's approach, and in some ways it goes against Landmark principles. It is true, that Landmark leaders do encourage people to bring friends and family because, let's face it, Landmark is also an organization who wants to survive as well and their survival as an organization is based on butts in seats. The other side to that is people are excited about their new way of living and they want to share with people they care about.

After having more time and experience with the organization, I can say they have some amazing and wonderful philosophies that are very, very helpful. Life comes at you with all sorts of surprises, some welcome, some not. After taking a few Landmark courses, I may still worry a bit, but not nearly as much as I used to, which leads to peace and happiness. I'm currently taking a break from Landmark courses so I can better support my family and slow down enough to really practice some of the valuable life lessons I've learned.

I choose not to judge others who haven't taken Landmark courses, because Landmark is not 'the only way.' I let people around me know how it has benefitted me, if they're interested, they'll look into it. I trust, that they'll come to find their path in their own way. Landmark Education is a patchwork quilt of borrowed philosphies, ideals and common sense. The content is nothing new, but the way it's delivered, as courses with people sitting next to you to share with, is a very effective way to stimulate change in one's life.

Did I always agree with the approach the Landmark leaders took with encouraging particpants to bring others? No. Do I think it's a perfect organization? No. Do I think it's been a catalyst for millions of people to wake up and really live and get excited about their lives and their own potential when they weren't before? Yes. In my humble opinion, Landmark Education teaches its participants to be more compassionate, better connected, more loving individuals. That's a good thing. It may not be a perfect organization, but I for one, am very thankful for the experience and for Landmark in doing their best to create more peace, love and harmony in our world.

If you'd like to read more about the Landmark Forum experience, check out http://www.huffingtonpost.com/diana-odasso/my-landmark-experience_b_105502.html

Once your child starts school... Be an Advocate

My daughter started "big school" this year and we were both so excited. She loved her experience at preschool and was ready for bigger and better things ahead in "big school." I've always loved learning and school, since she's such a curious, enthusiastic girl, I was convinced she'd love it too and have a wonderful experience.

The first few months have been a very bumpy ride. Instead of 'bigger and better' the tone in the class is quiet and controlled and my daughter is confused by all the rules, and frankly so am I. One day she came home in tears because she got a time out for singing while choosing a book. I went in to talk to the teacher the next day, it was my third meeting with her. I got some of the back story and shared some of my views as well, emphasizing that it's important to me that my daughter enjoy school and there be a balance in the classroom, so she can express herself as well.

My husband and I ended up speaking with the principal, who basically said to go back and talk to the teacher. Next stop, the school counsellor, I hear she's more helpful mediating with the teachers in this school. I'm learning to be patient - after all, Rome wasn't built in a day!

The world of parenting brings all kinds of surprises, having problems with teachers and principals wasn't one I ever expected to have! Be open minded, balance the needs of the teacher and class with the needs of your child. Be patient, but most of all, be involved. Your kids will thank you for it!

Appreciate your family, Live right NOW

Who are you being? Do your kids feel like you understand them? Do they feel you get who they are? As an adoptive mom, I am much more aware of who my daughter(s) are and who they are not. I don't hold any illusions that they are like me. They are, who they are. This can still prove to be challenging when personalities are so different, sometimes it's difficult to understand where the other person is coming from.

I still practice being completely immersed in the moment. I notice a real difference in my kids when I am being present. They are more calm, and seem to be more at peace. They don't fight, and seem to be more happy. Living life in the present moment, knowing it's the only time you truly have is the world our children live in. They don't know any different. As parents, when we join them, we acknowledge who they are and where they're at in that moment. The result is amazing. Such an experience creates a true connection, a wonderful way to be. Since a relationship is the history of interactions with a person, the more of these true connections, the better.

Landmark Education for KIDS

I just completed my first Landmark Education course on the weekend. The experience has changed my outlook of my life in a wonderfully empowering way. Landmark Education is an organization that specializes in personal development. You make decisions about what you want to change in your life and the Landmark facilitators help you come to your own conclusions about the best way to make those changes in your life. They teach you tools that you can then use in your life, to get the results you want.

Everyone who participates will take away something different. What I learned, is my relationship with myself affects the way I interrelate with others. If I change the way I 'interact' with myself, I can change my relationships with other people and in doing so, change 'my world.' I felt, in the past, I was trapped by situations, circumstances, other people's attitudes, and by my own temperament. I've learned now that I created my personality to begin with, based on situations that happened to me throughout my life. I can do that again, but in a more positive way, which will result in me being more serene, self-assured and happy.

I also learned that reading a book is not the same as an experience such as this. There are not typically lasting effects from reading a book, even if the book is inspiring. There is no replacement for the experience!

Upon reflecting on the postive experience I had with Landmark Education, I decided that I would like both of my daughters to participate in the Landmark Forum (1st course) for kids (8-12 years) when they are old enough. I think this type of education is particularily valuable for children who were adopted. They will learn that they are not a victim of circumstances and that they can choose to create the person they want to be regardless of whether they were adopted or not. Feeling empowered is an amazing feeling and I want both of my daughters to feel empowered in their lives.

Deciding Whether or not to Meet Your Birth Mother / Biological Mother is a BIG Decision

Relationships are complicated and adoption adds another layer of complication. Deciding whether or not to meet your biological mother is a HUGE decision. It's a decision that should not be taken lightly and should be thoroughly thought through.

So many assumptions can creep into adoptive relationships. You can assume that a meeting with a biological mother will be enlightening, illuminating and very positive. You can assume it will be emotionally overwhelming or a generally negative experience. Assumptions must be put aside. There are too many unknown factors. These are the "red herrings" of adoption.

All I know is, if I were adopted, I would feel that since it was decided that I have a different family, a non-biological family, without my input, I would want to (attempt to) control the remainder of the process. Whether I want to contact my biological relatives or not, should be my decision, with no judgements from anyone, especially members of my family. It's my history, I should be able to decide.

I also know that if I decided to meet my biological relatives, I can assume nothing. I would imagine, that I would want to be as neutral as possible. I'd be curious to see someone who looked like me and see how much we had in common because of our shared DNA. But in the back of my mind, I would never assume that we would have an amazing connection the first time we meet. I would never assume that I would even -like- my biological mother. She could just as easily be a successful business executive or a janitor. She is a completely different person from my (adoptive) mother, so I can't assume that she'd be like my adoptive mom but look like me as well.

Once I met my biological family members, I couldn't erase the experience. What are the chances they are eager to meet me? Is there any reason why they wouldn't want to meet the child they made an adoption plan for, so many years ago? Remember, that meeting the child they made an adoption plan for, may remind them of a failed relationship and of a time in their life when they were struggling. Have they overcome? Haven't they overcome? None of this would be a reflection on me and who I am, but rather is more about the biological mother and her situation, then and now.

I know I'd have alot of questions. I'd want alot of answers. Be wary of expectations that travel with assumptions. Take one step at a time, don't be afraid to let everyone know that you are entitled to start and stop contact as you see fit. It's not about the parents anymore, biological or adoptive. It's about those who are adopted, reclaiming the other part of their story, if they choose to.

Parent - Child Relationships: Creating Deep Connections that Last

One of my goals as an adoptive mom is to take steps early on to ensure I have good relationships with my daughters. I feel like there's a vulnerability in not having biology in common. I also feel that my relationship with my daughters should be solid, so that if and when emotional ups and downs come and as they start to understand the adoption process more, that they will come to me with their questions.

I know I'll always be their mom, but I don't want to take that priviledge for granted.

So that begs the question, what makes for a quality relationship with your children? What are the key elements to create not just a bond, but a lasting, close bond that endures even once your children become adults? It's clear that relationships between parents and children change dramatically once the children become adults. What are the key elements in making sure the connection with your child continues to evolve as your child grows and develops?

I'm still searching for those answers. As a best guess, I'd include respect at all stages, and also fun and play. Humour is such a powerful tool to connect, but for some of us who grew up in ultra serious homes- that's often "easier said than done." I think if your child feels that you trust them and allow them to be as free as possible they will thoroughly appreciate that space for them to "grow in." Also, by giving them authentic attention, without being distracted, they'll know they can rely on you being there for them when they need you.

Not judging our kids and allowing them to be who they truly are, is a BIG one. This is a tough one, for many of the moms I've talked to regardless of whether they're children are biological or adopted. As parents we have hopes and dreams and expectations of who our children could be. As a mom of a 4 and a half year old and a 2 year old, I realize more and more that it's not about me. There are decisions I must let my girls make without me, so they get practice. Yes, they may fail, but they will learn more from those times than from success and it is only their personal experience that they will truly learn from.

Some of their decisions may embarass me, like choosing wierd outfits to wear to school and the like, but I feel it's more important that my girls get comfortable with making their own decisions, free of judgement, so they can be leaders in the future. If they aren't allowed the freedom to take risks as children, they will definitely not take risks as adults.

Positive communication patterns are so important as well. How does your child feel when they're having a conversation with you? Are they defensive most of the time? Do they expect a negative reaction? Are they relaxed? Does your child feel heard by you? These patterns of communication start when children are young and are a cornerstone in the foundation of your relationship with them. What can you do now to help with the communications patterns once your child becomes a teenager and their friends are much more dominant in their life?

Freedom, lack of judgment, fun, respect and positive communication patterns, I feel are key to building quality relationships with our kids. If you think I've missed something or have found something that works well with strengthening the bond with your child- please let me know!!