Adoptive Wrinkles

I believe I mentioned in an earlier post that I've kept this blog anonymous so that I can be more honest and open about my experience as an adoptive mom. This post is a prime example of that. I'm a private person and wouldn't normally tell the world about occurrences in my private life, but I'm hoping that "talking" about it will help other adoptive families.

Let me start off by saying my mother is a kind hearted person who loves children. She would never intend to harm a child or especially another family member. But in the world of adoption, things can sometimes be confusing, and a little wrinkley. My mother has a wonderful and I'm not exaggerating, she does have a wonderful bond with my girls. They are lucky to have a grandma like her who makes it clear that she loves spending time with them.

However, I noticed that when she was introducing us, as a family, she would mention the nature of my relationship, and my husband's relationship to her, but when it came to my daughter she'd just say her name, with no relationship attached. She'd say "This is my daughter and son-in-law and then just say my daughter's name." I know this "wrinkle" was not intentional, it caught my mother off-guard. She likely hadn't given introductions much thought.

After this happened a second time, I spoke with my mother and asked her if she feels like a grandma to my daughter. Of course she said she did, so I asked her to introduce my daughter as her granddaughter. I will not tell a lie, I was upset. It was another one of those "hiccups" that come up with an adoptive family that no one is necessarily prepared for when it happens.

But reason eventually comes back into focus and I realized it wasn't so bad, it wasn't intentional. After that, my mom made a point of choosing birthday cards, etc. to her granddaughter. She hasn't introduced us for awhile, so I haven't been able to see how she would introduce my daughter these days. It was very important to me to "iron out" wrinkles such as this before my daughter was old enough to pick up the subtle difference herself.

Again, perspective is key. There are biological families who have members with special needs and I'm sure things come up among family members as well. Even without special needs in the family, differences are picked up and sometimes highlighted. Just being shy in an extroverted family or short in a tall family, is enough to make one feel set apart.

The key to reducing wrinkles is to maintain boundaries of respect and keep communication lines open. There will always be some wrinkles, but they're just a little bumpy, and are by no means roadblocks. Just keep on keep'n on!