Here's a Daily

I call this a "Daily" because it's a daily occurrence, or almost daily occurrence that when we're out as a family, topics come up with strangers in which I answer carefully. I don't think everyone and their dog needs to know that we're an adoptive family. I prefer to only tell friends (family already knows) because I hope that they will treat the topic with respect.

Here's the Daily for today. I was out and about with my girls today and stopped at a cafe for lunch. We started chatting with another mom and grandma at the table beside us. One of the women commented that my youngest daughter must get her blue eyes from her dad (I have brown eyes). I told them that her nana has blue eyes and left it at that. This of course does not have much relevance anyway, because my daughter does not share any DNA with my mom, but they don't know that. Nevertheless, I didn't feel like diving into the explanation that we're an adoptive family and that's why we don't look alike, with complete strangers.

I know it's a bit of a cheat, because both of my girls are caucasian, like me, and strangers notice that we don't look that much alike, but we're all caucasian, so they shrug it off. The fact is, I don't want to tell everyone, everywhere, that we're an adoptive family, because I don't trust strangers to be courteous enough to ask only respectful questions. I'll be completely honest when I need to, and am always honest with my girls.

I'm always surprised at how complete strangers are so concerned with how families look alike. I never look for that. I suppose it's a topic of small talk that comes easy when speaking with a family you've never met before. Comparing physical features between family members has never been that interesting to me and is even less so, now that I'm an adoptive mom.

Once I was dropping my dog off at the local grooming shop, with my eldest daughter. A staff member, who was pregnant at the time, asked me how I lost my pregnancy pounds so fast. I told her, we're an adoptive family, so losing weight wasn't an issue. I also mentioned that adoption is more complicated in other ways.

A few months later, I was in dropping my dog off for another haircut, when the same, still pregnant and now very uncomfortable, staff member mentioned "I should just order one (baby) like you did." I was taken aback. I was glad that my eldest daughter, who was 2.5 yrs at the time, didn't understand the conversation. I thought the comment was quite callous, and clearly this person had not given a wink of thought to the pain of infertility or the complications and extra expenses involved with adopting.

By no means did I "just order" a baby, as if I ordering a pizza in a restaurant. A little respect please. This process is monumental for the child, the biological family and the adoptive family. Even a word like "monumental" can't come close to the gravity of the adoption process. In any case, since then, I've been more careful with telling strangers and semi-strangers personal details about our family.

In the back of my mind I wonder, if I'm handling this in the best way possible. Is there a better way to deal with comments from strangers? Should I be brutally honest all the time? Once my girls are older, I am not going to like the fact that they are witnessing their mother avoid answering questions, or implying things that are not true. Will they understand it to be part of life? Will they in turn tell little white lies to me so I "get off their back" down the road? Will it make them feel more self-concious about being adopted, or will they not care?

I'm trying to protect them and myself from potentially ignorant, callous comments. I also think it's my last grasp at some sort of control over the situation, since with infertility and to a great extent, adopting, I felt largely out of control of my life. Hopefully my girls will understand that I'm doing the best I can.