Adoption "Lifebook" versus "My Adoption Story" Scrapbook

Choosing a medium to help your child document their special adoption story is an important decision. For those who are short on time and not particularly crafty, purchasing a "Lifebook" may be the appropriate choice for your family. A Lifebook contains pages with templates to help with filling in important milestones in your child's life, particularly details surrounding how they came to join your family.

I, however, chose to create a "My Adoption Story" Scrapbook for my first daughter for a few reasons. The first reason is, I am fuelled by the creative process and love to create, so I appreciate the flexibility of creating a scrapbook from scratch. Another reason is philosophical nature in that I feel there is a fundamental difference in the titles of the two projects alone, "Lifebook" versus "My Adoption Story" scrapbook.


I feel the differences between the two different books sends a very different message to your child. "Lifebook" implies a documentation of your whole life. "My Adoption Story" on the other hand, implies a description of the beginning part of your life, describing how you came to join your family. The implications of these approaches is that with a "Lifebook" since you are adopted you are different for your whole life and need a book that documents that difference.

"My Adoption Story" scrapbook sends a message that I may have joined my family in a different way, but now I am a part of that family and we also have our own story together. If I were adopted, I would not want to feel that I am different for my whole life. It may be true, but I'd rather choose to think that adoption is the beginning of the story with my family and my family and I are writing the middle bits together as a family. We are in it together.

So, it's for those reasons that I have chosen to create an adoption story scrapbook for my older daughter and will do one for my younger daughter as well. I took as many pictures along the way as I could to help document the steps in the process. At times it was difficult to take pictures and I wish I took more, but there were moments that were too emotional and I just didn't have the energy to go and get the camera. In another blog I'll describe some of the page titles I used in my daughter's adoption story scrapbook.

Surrogate Mothers in India

A pregnant belly. I always wanted a pregnant belly, but I couldn't have one. My only wish is that those who can have pregnant bellies, do not take the gift of life for granted (though I know alot of them will anyway).

But that's by the by- onto to the larger and growing issue of paying surrogates in order to start a family. It's imperative that all involved volunteer out of their own free will and that all medical checks are done along the way so the surrogate mother is well taken care of. If both of those conditions are met, I don't see a problem.

Is it any different to hire a surrogate in the country where you live versus elsewhere on the globe? In this global world, I don't think so.

My only concern is that this emerging industry in India lacks government regulation at the present moment, and that could pose some problems down the road. The regulations should be very strict and hospitals in India who are taking part in this should be watched to ensure they are ethical and that the surrogate mothers are well cared for and receive excellent counselling.

If all checks and balances are in place, who has the right to stop an infertile couple from starting a family and an Indian women who will be well cared for and earn enough from this to buy a house or send her children to school? I don't understand how that could be wrong.

What is wrong, is that infertile couples have to pay tens of thousands of dollars to start a family, when so many others can do so for free. At the moment, an Indian surrogacy is $30,000. Usually couples have tried at least one round of in vitro themselves first, which is at least $10,000 as well. $40,000 as a minimum is a staggering amount of money. Think about how many months or years you would have to work in order to earn that. It's not fair.

It seems to me, that people who have biological children who have never endured the frustration of yearning to procreate, can easily find problems with "renting a womb." Needing to reproduce is an instinct as natural as sleeping or eating. How would it feel to not be able to sleep anymore? You can feel you need it, but you just can't do it. It may not be fair, because other people get to sleep, but for one reason or another, and the reason is immaterial, the fact is, you can't sleep. That's the same feeling as not being able to start a family.

Are there a few major kinks yet to be resolved? Yes. Do I think they should proceed with caution? Absolutely.

Here's a Daily

I call this a "Daily" because it's a daily occurrence, or almost daily occurrence that when we're out as a family, topics come up with strangers in which I answer carefully. I don't think everyone and their dog needs to know that we're an adoptive family. I prefer to only tell friends (family already knows) because I hope that they will treat the topic with respect.

Here's the Daily for today. I was out and about with my girls today and stopped at a cafe for lunch. We started chatting with another mom and grandma at the table beside us. One of the women commented that my youngest daughter must get her blue eyes from her dad (I have brown eyes). I told them that her nana has blue eyes and left it at that. This of course does not have much relevance anyway, because my daughter does not share any DNA with my mom, but they don't know that. Nevertheless, I didn't feel like diving into the explanation that we're an adoptive family and that's why we don't look alike, with complete strangers.

I know it's a bit of a cheat, because both of my girls are caucasian, like me, and strangers notice that we don't look that much alike, but we're all caucasian, so they shrug it off. The fact is, I don't want to tell everyone, everywhere, that we're an adoptive family, because I don't trust strangers to be courteous enough to ask only respectful questions. I'll be completely honest when I need to, and am always honest with my girls.

I'm always surprised at how complete strangers are so concerned with how families look alike. I never look for that. I suppose it's a topic of small talk that comes easy when speaking with a family you've never met before. Comparing physical features between family members has never been that interesting to me and is even less so, now that I'm an adoptive mom.

Once I was dropping my dog off at the local grooming shop, with my eldest daughter. A staff member, who was pregnant at the time, asked me how I lost my pregnancy pounds so fast. I told her, we're an adoptive family, so losing weight wasn't an issue. I also mentioned that adoption is more complicated in other ways.

A few months later, I was in dropping my dog off for another haircut, when the same, still pregnant and now very uncomfortable, staff member mentioned "I should just order one (baby) like you did." I was taken aback. I was glad that my eldest daughter, who was 2.5 yrs at the time, didn't understand the conversation. I thought the comment was quite callous, and clearly this person had not given a wink of thought to the pain of infertility or the complications and extra expenses involved with adopting.

By no means did I "just order" a baby, as if I ordering a pizza in a restaurant. A little respect please. This process is monumental for the child, the biological family and the adoptive family. Even a word like "monumental" can't come close to the gravity of the adoption process. In any case, since then, I've been more careful with telling strangers and semi-strangers personal details about our family.

In the back of my mind I wonder, if I'm handling this in the best way possible. Is there a better way to deal with comments from strangers? Should I be brutally honest all the time? Once my girls are older, I am not going to like the fact that they are witnessing their mother avoid answering questions, or implying things that are not true. Will they understand it to be part of life? Will they in turn tell little white lies to me so I "get off their back" down the road? Will it make them feel more self-concious about being adopted, or will they not care?

I'm trying to protect them and myself from potentially ignorant, callous comments. I also think it's my last grasp at some sort of control over the situation, since with infertility and to a great extent, adopting, I felt largely out of control of my life. Hopefully my girls will understand that I'm doing the best I can.

Topic of Adoption in School

Lately I' ve been wondering how the topic of adoptive families is handled in grade school. I'm concerned about how family trees and other such topics will be approached in school. Will there be allowances for different types of families? My eldest daughter isn't in elementary school yet, but I'd like to be ready for when she is.

So far, my plan is to talk to the teacher each year, at the beginning of the year about the curriculum they will be covering and if there will be a focus on lineage or family trees within the year. I should also find a list of appropriate terminology when talking about adoptive families. For example, NOT to say "real parents" when describing the biological parents. I tell ya, nothing gets my blood boiling faster than when I hear someone say that. I'm sure they're not aware of how inappropriate such a comment is, when speaking about someone in an adoptive family. Nonetheless, I don't think it's too much to ask for a little consideration. In any case, I'm not sure what else to do to prepare, other than to keep the communication lines open with the teacher, especially if anything comes up at school.

I want to make be clear with teachers that I don't want my children to be singled out in front of the rest of their class. I would hope the teacher would ask a child ahead of time if they want to talk about their family, before discussing it with the rest of the class. I shouldn't assume though- I like to be prepared!

My fear is that someone, either a teacher or student will be disrespectful toward my daughter(s) because they are adopted. My rational brain tells me that there will always be mean children on the school playground, and if they don't tease my kids about being adopted, they'll find something else to tease them about. It's the nurturing, mothering, emotional side of me that never wants any hurt to become of my girls. I know that's unrealistic, but I still feel it.

Hopefully as my girls grow up, the topic of adoption won't cause them too much grief. I will always be honest with them, I just don't want them to be hurt by it. If they do have concerns I will be right beside them, ready to talk and ready to answer their questions. They were innocent little babes, when an adoption plan was made for them. Innocent little babes. They had no idea what was happening around them.

The media has been busy lately covering Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's family and has been very open about some of their children being adopted from different countries. I think raising awareness is great, so long as the topic is handled with respect, I'm all for it.

Raising awareness about adoptive families should help the rest of us, adoptive families. Better awareness and acceptance of adoption and the different faces of adoption, should help our kids, in school and out on the playground. Let's hope!

If anyone reading this has any tips on talking to teachers- I'd appreciate it!

Another Todd Parr Book Review

I have to share another Todd Parr book that I read recently. "The Family Book," written and illustrated by Todd Parr (published by Little Brown and Company) is a fantastic read. This book talks about all the different types of families and includes a page that says "Some families adopt children." This is a positive way to include the topic of adoption in a children's book. I would prefer more of a focus on the parents choosing to be adoptive parents in an adoptive family with their sons/daughters. Therefore, there would be less emphasis is on the child being adopted. The child wouldn't feel like they're the odd one out. This really is a small detail though, I love the book and would highly recommend it to any family.

I appreciate the way the author describes all types of families, for example "Some families have two moms or two dads" and "Some famillies have one parent instead of two." He lightens the mood of the book by using humorous illustrations, such as "Some families live near each other" has a picture of two mouse holes with lots of eyes peering out. On the opposite page is the line "Some families live far from each other" with an illustration of martian families living on two different planets.

He also draws out commonalities that all families have, for example "All families are sad when they lose someone they love" or "All families can help each other be STRONG!" He finishes the book saying that "There are lots of different ways to be a family. Your family is special no matter what kind it is."

This book is very inclusive and reflects the real world. Some children do live with their grandparents, other children have two moms or two dads. This is real life. It's important all children are exposed to the different ways in which people live. Todd Parr handles the topic of different kinds of families in a respectful and somewhat light-hearted manner, which is always appreciated- especially by little readers! Enjoy!