"Birth mom" versus "Birth lady"

Here I go again opening my big mouth. But that's what blogs are about aren't they?

In previous posts I've mentioned how extremely powerful language choices are when speaking to a young child in particular. Think for a minute, that you are a child (ie. 5 yrs and under) and you accept whatever your parents say, must be true.

As a child, listening to your parents, whom you spend ALL your time with and you rely on them for every basic need, from comfort to food, to having fun. You hear your parents talking about the other mother that you have, the birth mother. This mother is different from your mother though. You may never have met her, you may not even know what she looks like, you don't know her very well at all. Yet she is your other mother. Well, what is a mother? What does a mother do? How does a mother make you feel?

The word "Mother" is such a powerful word, most of us take for granted what it means. When you are a young child, your mother is your world. So to find out that there is another mother of yours out there whom you may or may not have even met, means alot to a child who is adopted and would be confusing.

This is why I've chosen to use the term "birth lady" with my girls when referring to their biological mother. I'll only use this term when they are young, so they understand the adoption process and who's involved, a little easier. The ins and outs of adoption are kinda complicated. When my kids are older, such as 9 or 10 years old, they can call their biological mothers whatever they want. "Birth mom", "bio mom", just the bio mom's name, whatever they choose is fine. By that age, their brains are developed enough to truly understand what being adopted means. It's during these early years, I'm trying to lessen the confusion for them.

Let's look at the flip side, because I'm all about opposing view points. One of my friends thinks I'm being selfish because I'm choosing to use the term birth lady instead of birth mother. Am I being selfish? Is this all about me? If this were all about me, I'd insist they always refer to their birth lady as the birth lady and never make any reference to her being their mother. They do share DNA with their biological mother. But does getting pregnant automatically mean you get to be called mother if you choose not to parent?

Is a mother a person you have a relationship with? Is a mother someone you share DNA with? In biological families it's both, but not in adoptive families. These are complicated issues, why place the burden on a young child to sort it out? They will have plenty of time when they're older and understand more, to debate this within themselves.

In the meantime, think about what's best for your adoptive family. So for today, think about your choices in language from your kids point of view and do what's best for them. And that's all I have to say about that: )

P.S. I've focussed on the word "mother" in this article mainly because birth mom is used more than birth dad, because often the birth dad's aren't in the picture.

The Openness Conundrum

I recently received a letter from one of my girl's biological mothers. I appreciate her keeping in touch, as it will show my little girl, when she grows up, that her biological mother cared enough to keep in touch and is genuinely interested in finding out, how she is doing.

There were however a few things in the letter that inspired some questions. The first was that her birth lady continues to call her by her middle name (the one her birth lady chose), not her first name that we gave her. So I wonder, will this bother my little girl when she's old enough to read these letters?

The second is that in the letters, her birth lady continues to refer to the biological father as if they are in a stable relationship, which we were told, they are not. That is the reason an adoption plan was made for our little girl, is because she was (as are most adoptive children) born into a situation where the biological mother wasn't capable of raising her by herself, mainly because of the instability of the relationship with bio dad. Will this also be confusing for my little girl when she is older?

My third concern involves some pictures that the birth lady sent. In one picture her birth lady is sitting in a sports car. We were told that another reason why the birth lady made an adoption plan is she didn't have a sufficient income to support a child on her own. Then why is she sitting in a sports car? I'm very sure the sports car isn't hers. I'm sure she thought the picture was fun and that's why she sent it, but it's confusing for a child who's been adopted to deal with an inconsistency such as this.

I often think about what I can do to make this easier for my girls, I'm careful with my language choices, I have a few books in the house about adoption and adoptive families. Whenever a question comes up, I answer it as honest and best I can in a respectful manner, taking in to consideration the age of the child posing the question.

My question is, are biological parents as careful? It's difficult to generalize. But honestly, most often children who are adopted are rescued from rough situations involving dysfunctional people. People who are not capable of providing adequate parenting for a child. Does it serve the child well to constantly be reminded of that dysfunction by maintaining a completely open adoption throughout the child's early life?

I believe wholeheartedly that there are open adoptions where everyone is benefitting from the visits. But are they the minority or the majority? Has any research been done on that? Why do the social workers and adoption agencies BLINDLY promote open adoptions without taking into consideration the needs of those involved on a case by case basis?

Openness should evolve as the parties get to know each other and trust is built. The primary directive should always be what is best for the CHILD. I understand that many birth ladies are eager to maintain a relationship because they are genuinely concerned about the child and let's be honest, it helps alleviate the guilt/shame that they chose not to parent. But this is only partially about the birth ladies. The children must be the priority.

I know this is likely contraversial, but I believe that pictures and letters are sufficient for openess for most adoptions (again if all parties are eager for a full on open adoption and it's working out- great!). Home movie DVDs are great to send to birth ladies as well- a nice to have. I think that having visits with the biological family is confusing for children when they are young. Think of the power of the word "mother." Then think of how confused you would be if you were a child and you knew who your mother was (she lives with you everyday), but then someone else said you have another mother, but she was a stranger to you?

Once the adopted child comes to an age, such as 18, when they have formed their own self-identity and have emotional maturity, then I would want them to meet with their biological families, if they so chose. It should be their own choice, because this is part of their past, their story, their life, they should get to control it.

The adoption process is supposed to focus on the child and find the best situation for them, let's make sure it truly is the best for them.